Everyone has running dialog in their heads, which can be negative and self-defeating, or positive and energizing. If these messages are negative, you will feel dissatisfied and depressed, and it will bleed out in what you say to your partner. The good news is that you can choose to replace your negative monologue with something more positive. Self-talk is the most powerful tool you have for turning your negative feelings to positive and your negative interactions with your partner to love.

Your brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. If what is repeated is negative, you will be a negative person, and you may not realize it, but your partner and others will. Negativity will hamper you in all your relationships. It damages your connections with everyone.

If you grew up in a family who were habitually negative, you may not realize or notice that you’re still radiating that energy. A sure way to tell is in the reactions of the people close to you.

The good news is you can take charge of your negative thoughts (that’s one thing totally in your control) and turn them around: argue with them, fight them off, wrestle with them. Put energy into it. Let go of whatever you can’t control such as other people, life’s events, loss, disappointment. Stop trying to change what won’t change, accept what is, let it be and live life as it is. I know it’s easier said than done, but once you get a handle on it, life itself is easier. Fretting about what you can’t control is an endless, useless waste of energy you can use elsewhere. The one thing you can have total control over is yourself and the way you relate. Changing that, changes everything.

7 Signs You May Be Too Negative in Your Relationship

1. Your partner wants to tell other people about what is going on, but doesn’t tell you first: This may be because your reaction is negative, and brings your partner down. For example, if your partner says he or she is trying for a promotion at work, and you respond with “You may not get it.” That takes the joy out of it, and your partner is less likely to tell you about the next time.

2. You fight a lot and bicker about little things: This may be because your negative attitude provokes defensiveness in your partner. If you tell your partner why his or her ideas are wrong, then you will probably get a fight.

3. You’re not having fun together: If you have stopped doing what you used to do when you were first together, it may be because you said something negative. If you complain about the movie or the restaurant, your partner will be less likely to want to take you again.

4. Your partner isn’t interested in sex or affection from you: If you have been too critical and negative, your partner may feel you don’t enjoy or appreciate him or her, then being intimate isn’t appealing.

5. You no longer get gifts and flowers: If your partner used to bring you flowers or presents, and doesn’t any more, it may be because you were negative and critical of the flowers, the presents or your partner. If you got daisies and said “Oh, I like roses better,” You may not get any flowers again.

6. Your partner has stopped helping: If your partner used to cook for you, take care of your car or tidy up around the house, and has stopped doing that, you probably haven’t said “thank you” enough, and you’’ve been nitpicky and critical instead of appreciative. If you want to motivate your partner to help, don’t grumble, whine or complain. That will push him or her away. Instead, be grateful, thankful and appreciative.

Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation.

7. Your health is suffering from stress: Many health problems result from chronic stress, which is either caused or made worse by negative thinking and negative speech. If your health is suffering, you feel depressed; you have high blood pressure, and headaches or digestion problems, negative thinking might be the cause. If your partner has similar conditions, you may be creating a negative environment with each other.

Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do in every case to increase your level of optimism, even if you can’t change who you are. Whether you realize it or not, you are responsible for lifting your own feelings and no one else is responsible for making you feel better.

To generate positive energy and gratitude, try the following suggestions:

• Make a note: Write positive comments to yourself on your daily calendar for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate. Your partner will also appreciate little love notes or thank you notes left around to surprise and delight.

• Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china. Work with your partner to incorporate both of your childhood celebration elements. Buy silly things at a 99 cent store to make each other laugh.

• Use visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies. It’s a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and your partner that you’ll both feel daily.

• Reward yourselves: Go out for ice cream, high five each other, toast with champagne or ginger ale in fancy glasses, take a day off for just the two of you, and party every chance you get.

• Try laughter: Find a way to laugh with your partner every day. Share jokes, funny memories, comedy movies and Internet jokes. It will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress.

It does take work to convert a negative outlook to a positive one, but it’s very worth it, even if you need therapy to do it. It will create so much happiness and pleasure in your life, you’ll be glad you did it.
© 2017 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction