ARE MONEY ARGUMENTS RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Research shows that people unconsciously look for behavior patterns to follow, and once a pattern is established, they tend to follow it unconsciously. Think about when you change jobs or homes, and how difficult it is for the first couple of weeks to remember to drive in the new direction, and you’ll get an idea of how strong patterns are. If you understand how habit patterns develop, how strong they are, and what to do about them, you can see mistakes as they happen, or even before you make them, and change what you’re doing. The same thing happens in your relationship. Each first event in dating and marriage creates a pattern you are likely to follow, unless you become aware and consciously change the habits that are problematic. Doing what you’ve always done is easy, and it reduces stress when it works well. It is only when the old familiar pattern leads to problems that it creates stress. Planning your wedding, for example, creates patterns for dealing with extended family, solving problems together, making financial decisions, and being considerate of each other's feelings. Your first fight lays down a pattern for all future fights, so if you calm down, solve the problem and then make up, you’ve created a useful format to follow. These patterns are like the first layer of bricks in a wall. Every later brick will build on the pattern laid down at first, so if some of the patterns you’ve developed in your early relationship are creating problems, it’s worth the effort to learn to change them. We also acquire patterns and habits from our early family and from past relationships. If you have created a habit of fighting instead of working things out, the good news is you can correct them. Maybe you bought the dream: you and this wonderful partner would get married, make a life together, have some really great kids, and life would be wonderful. That’s how the romantic movies and happy sitcoms show it, isn’t it? But, on some days, maybe your relationship feels more like “The War of the Roses,” and you despair of ever working it out. There’s no need for despair: in thirty years of marriage counseling, I’ve found almost any problem in a relationship can be fixed, if both partners want to fix it. What gets in the way is lack of skills and destructive patterns that get set up in the first months and years of your relationship. Money Talks You can avoid many misunderstandings and arguments by having regular discussions about finances, big and small. By adding money discussions to your regularly scheduled weekly meetings, you can keep current and avoid confusion and anxiety about how you’re doing. Regular money talks will also enhance your feeling of partnership and keep you on track with savings, investments, and plans for the future. Bills, social planning, long term goals and working on your relationship are just some of the issues you’ll discuss. Just sitting down once a week to talk about what happened and bringing the checkbook up to date can be a good management tool, a time to talk about long term plans such as purchasing a house or paying off college debt. Use the time not only to take stock of your finances, but of your relationship, too. Ask each other what is going well and what needs improvement. The following guidelines will help you maintain an atmosphere of cooperation and teamwork, planning and problem solving in the businesslike manner described above and turn this weekly meeting into something that you look forward to, not an ordeal that you dread. As you talk about positive solutions and setting out long term goals, many financial problems will be solved as they arise, while they are small, and before they become difficult. If you share the time and energy in a mutually beneficial way, it can become a social occasion. Make it a pleasant opportunity go out to dinner together or wait until the children are asleep or have a late breakfast on a Saturday morning, and use the following guidelines to help you. Guidelines for Money Discussions 1. Share your Different Attitudes toward Money. Talk about how your families dealt with money, and what you liked and didn’t like about their style. Share your observations about how various friends handle money, and share what you think. Then make the discussion more personal by talking about how you feel about money, spending, saving, and your future dreams. 2. Discuss Long Term Joint Financial Goals. (i.e. a new home, baby, etc.). The previous step should lead you naturally into a further discussion of your long-term goals, and into a discussion of specific steps you need to follow to reach them. Steps should include saving and/or raising money to realize your goals, and a plan for how long you think it will take. 3. Put Your Plan to Work. Once you have the steps outlined, break the first couple steps down into small increments and choose steps for which each of you will take the responsibility in the coming week. 4. Establish Separate Checking Accounts or Personal Spending Budgets. As part of your plans, you may want to open separate checking accounts, savings accounts for building your dreams, and agree on budgets for personal spending from your available funds. 5. Discuss How the Plan Is Going On a Weekly Basis. Keep this discussion going every week, and keep each other informed about how your plans are going. This is a good time to discuss the bills that need to be paid, changes in income or expenses, and what you need to do to accommodate the changes. 6. Keep Talking. No matter how well or poorly your finances are going at any given time; keep your financial discussions going. The more frequently you discuss your finances, the less difficult the discussions will be, and the more likely that you’ll make good financial choices. Money doesn't have to be a wedge between you and your partner. It can be a great tool for learning more about one another. Money doesn’t make happiness, but using money matters as a discussion point can help your relationship grow. Making long term plans, helping reach goals and improving your quality of life are just some of the things you will be able to accomplish together. ©2021 Tina B. Tessina – Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids 2nd Ed Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” and offers courses at GenerousMarriage.com. Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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