CAUSES OF DIVORCE AND WHAT TO DO People often contact me for counseling because they’re discouraged with their relationship, and think they might want a divorce. Frequently, the problems can be solved. Sometimes divorce is inevitable. Here are the most common causes of divorce, and what to do to turn them around: • If you’re feeling resentful of anything; it’s a definite warning. Resentment is like rust that can eat away at the foundations of the relationship. You need to talk about it, get it resolved. If you can’t talk with each other about what’s troubling you, get counseling. A good counselor can help you open up the forbidden topics. • Arguments that won’t go away and keep repeating are also signs of trouble. It’s an indication that you don’t know how to turn an argument into a problem-solving discussion. Unsolved problems that keep recurring develop resentment. Learn how to problem solve with each other. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free can show you how problem-solving works. How to Be Happy Partners is a more in-depth manual that teaches problem-solving to couples. • Companionable silence is good, resentful silence or hopeless silence (It’s no use—he/she won’t listen anyway) are indicators that your relationship is in trouble. Like endless arguing, resentful silence indicates that as a couple, you don’t know how to resolve problems and discuss difficult issues. • Problems with sex often indicate problems with other kinds of communication. Sex is just a physical form of communication. If your sexual connection is damaged, it is usually a sign that the other communication isn’t going well. Money, Sex and Kids will teach you how to communicate about your sexual needs, wants, and satisfaction. Couples who feel desperate often try separation first. I have seen separation help couples, but I think it’s a drastic last resort, and frequently doesn’t help. Separation is often used as a sort of sneaky step toward divorce. Try counseling first. The most common cause of divorce changes in different age groups: Younger couples tend to be idealistic, believing that love is enough, and when they’re past the honeymoon stage, they are disappointed to find that they have problems. Instead of fixing them, they tend to look elsewhere. I believe dating apps have exacerbated this problem, making it appear that there’s an unlimited supply of possibilities. Younger couples also rely more on looks, which is not a good indicator of compatibility. Older couples, who have probably been through several relationships, perhaps even divorce, are more realistic about love not being enough, but they still may not have enough problem-solving skills to get through the difficult process of building a successful relationship, which only begins at the point of commitment. Can you heal your relationship, or is divorce the best option? Unless there is violence or addiction present, most relationships can be healed, if both parties are willing to do the work. Divorce is like war. It’s almost never a good option, especially when children are involved. It’s the easy way out, but usually presents a lot of new problems the couple never anticipated. Everyone is devastated, and it’s financially draining. If the relationship is toxic and violent, divorce is probably a good option. But in most relationship issues, divorce is no substitute for figuring out what is wrong, and learning the skills to correct the problems. People who divorce rather than working to fix the problem often find themselves in a new relationship which eventually has the same problems as the previous one. Like it or not, the emotional issues and communication habits of both partners contribute to relationship problems. Also, choosing a partner for emotional reasons alone can set the stage for your inner dynamics to come to the surface. If you want to make your relationship work: • Understand what you need to be happy. If you divorce, you’ll be responsible for making yourself happy, so start now. Take care of yourself. Figure out what makes you happy, then work on understanding what makes each other happy. • Don’t dwell on the negative: if something’s wrong, just focus on it long enough to understand it, then change focus to finding a solution. Don’t go over and over the same complaints. Instead, consider what you can do about it. Don’t keep pointing your finger at your partner; you can’t change them. Instead, look for your own involvement in the problems, and change that. You can have total control over what you do and say. Change how you relate, and your partner will have to change their responses. • Don’t expect your partner to make you happy: that’s your job. You can help each other, but you can’t do it for each other; so figure out what you need, then talk to your partner about how to get it. • Count your blessings: no matter how annoying your partner may be at this moment, there also are many good things happening. Don’t let the negative soak up all your attention. Celebrate the many good things in your shared life. Keep in mind that many other people would love to have what you have. ©2024 Tina B. Tessina adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 45 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 18 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest, Stop Overthinking: A Workbook. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
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