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	CONTEMPLATING DIVORCE If you and your partner are sheltering in place, and perhaps working from home or laid off, there are lots of reasons tension can grow. Too much togetherness, without the usual breaks for going out to eat, getting together with friends, taking exercise class, and otherwise breaking your routine can lead to frustration, boredom and stress. When you are isolated together, each partner’s stress can worsen the other partner’s mood, and the tension can bounce back and forth, accelerating as it goes. If you’re working at home, or one of you is, interruptions and noise as well as lack of privacy for business phone calls, etc. can be frustrating and irritating. If you let these irritations become a big problem, and don’t solve it, you can easily wind up resentful and thinking about divorce. The problem is, divorce rarely solves anything, and introduces a whole new set of problems. The following questions can help you avoid creating another problem on top of those you have not solved: • Am I feeling resentful of anything? Feeling resentful is a definite warning. Resentment is like rust that can eat away at the foundations of the relationship. You need to talk about it, get it resolved. First figure out the source of your resentment, make sure it’s based on fact, and then ask your partner for a discussion. Keep it as calm as possible, if you really want to solve anything. • Are we having arguments that won’t go away? If you aren’t resentful already, this will build resentment in both of you. If you’re stuck in who’s right and who’s wrong arguments, change the focus to what will fix it. If you can’t come to a mutually satisfactory solution, you need to learn some problem-solving skills. Take a class or go to couples counseling. • Am I not talking when I should be? Companionable silence is good, resentful silence or hopeless silence (It’s no use—he/she won’t listen anyway) are problems. If you’ve retreated into silence, figure out why and seek to communicate. • Am I sexually unsatisfied? Problems with sex often indicate problems with other kinds of communication. Learn better communication skills to improve your intimacy. • Am I taking care of myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? The next four items are about taking care of yourself in these ways. • Do I understand what I need to be happy? Changing things just to change things usually doesn’t work. If you just divorce and have another relationship, odds are you will end up here again. Instead, learn to understand your own emotional needs, and learn to communicate them and also to understand your partner’s. • Do I dwell on the negative? This will guarantee dissatisfaction and unhappiness. If something’s wrong, just focus on it long enough to understand it, then change focus to finding a solution. • Do I expect my partner to make me happy? Wrong focus: that’s your job. You can help each other be happy, but you can’t do it for each other; so figure out what you need, then talk to your partner about how to get it. • Do I count my blessings? No matter how annoying your partner may be at this moment, there are many good things happening, also. Don’t let the negative soak up all your attention. Counting your blessings on a daily basis is a way to be happy on your own, and with your partner. Remember, if you get a divorce all the good things go away with the bad things. If you can correct the things you don’t like, do it. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues. Dr. Romance’s 4 simple steps to create a successful marriage 1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything. No topic should be off limits. Learn to listen and communicate instead of fighting. Fighting is childish, and you want a grown up relationship. 2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up: Be a team, create a partnership. Don’t get stuck on who’s right or wrong, instead focus on what will solve the problem. Strive to work together so both of you can have what you want. When you build a successful working partnership, each of you will feel supported and respected by the other. When each of you feels that the other has your best interests at heart, problems are solved not “my way” or “your way” but so that both are happy with the solution. The mutuality of this type of partnership creates an environment of love where deep trust grows. When trust, respect, responsibility and love feel mutual, that’s when we feel secure in being loved. 3. Keep your connection going through communication, sex, affection, understanding and concern for one another. Nothing insures that your relationship will remain faithful better than a good, warm connection with great sex. 4. Have a sense of humor; give the benefit of the doubt, care about each other. Store up plenty of good times in your relationship reservoir to draw on in the hard times. Treat your partner like your best friend. Couples come into my office because they’re fighting about all sorts of things; Leaving the peanut butter or mayonnaise jar open and on the counter, spending too much time on the computer, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, spending money, golfing too much, talking on the phone too much. But I think the biggest minor habit problem is the habit of not responding. Grunting instead of engaging when your spouse talks to you, not reciprocating affection, turning down sex—these “minor habits” if they are frequent and ongoing, will cause your partner to feel unloved, and result in big problems, like divorce or cheating. Dr. Romance’s 10 ways to ruin your relationship: 1. Pick the wrong partner for the wrong reasons: No matter how charming your partner is, if he or she’s a player, an out-of-control spender, a con artist, an alcoholic/addict or violent, no amount of love on your part will fix him or her one bit. Don’t try. The minute you find out there’s a Fatal Flaw, end it. Find a less charming, but more upstanding, healthy person to love. 2. Nag/scold/bitch/yell when things don’t meet your expectations. You have to take care of yourself, and find a way to solve problems and motivate your partner to work with you. Partnership is the name of the game, not “I want you to take care of me, and I’ll throw a temper tantrum if you don’t.” You’ll get a lot more of what you want if you ask directly and simply, and motivate with affection, humor and fun. Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation. 3. Do it all yourself. Lots of people try to fill in all the gaps by doing whatever their partner isn’t doing—all alone. If he can’t keep a job, getting successful on your own could be a good thing for you, but it won’t save the relationship. If he won’t help around the house, or with the kids, doing it all yourself (plus your job) won’t save the relationship either. If he won’t be responsible about money or discipline, doing it all yourself will work for a while, but you’ll wind up being seen as a control freak, and hated. Very early in the relationship, give your partner the room to do his share. If nothing is forthcoming, ask directly (don’t just whine or hint) for what you want. If your mate doesn’t step up, and won’t discuss what would help, then you’re probably the only one in the relationship, and it’s not going to work. 4. Make assumptions that your partner thinks the way you do, and then get angry when he or she doesn’t. If you don’t learn how to communicate, and find out what your partner thinks, you won’t be able to get along. 5. Blow sex out of proportion. If sex is either too important, or not important enough to you, the relationship won’t have any juice, and won’t last. Sex is one more form of relationship communication. You and your partner need to work it out together. If you have hang-ups or unrealistic expectations about sex, and won’t address them, you won’t have a lasting relationship. 6. Be out of control with money. If you’re either too controlling or too out of control with money, you’ll wind up fighting endlessly about it, and the arguments will suck the joy and love right out of the relationship. Money is an important, inevitable part of a relationship. It’s just math. Get over yourself and learn to deal with it like a grownup. 7. Hate yourself and be too self-conscious. If you don’t like yourself, the other person will know, and eventually get tired of trying to love you when you feel unlovable and fend off his affection and compliments. 8. Keep going out of bounds: If you’re struggling with compulsive behavior such as overeating, gambling, drugs, alcohol or spending money, and you keep breaking promises, you destroy the trust in your relationship, and eventually the love. Get it under control, or get proper treatment before getting into a relationship. 9. Be miserable, negative and critical. If you whine, complain, are depressed or feel sorry for yourself too often, you’ll be too much of a downer for your partner to handle. Learn to count your blessings, give compliments, and look on the bright side at least 75% of the time. You’ll get what you focus on, and if you focus on misery, you’ll be miserable alone. 10. Don’t listen. If you don’t care about what your partner thinks, wants and feels, you prevent him from loving you. Listen to what he says, the way that he says it (even non-verbally.) If you just go on what you’re thinking and feeling, you’ll be missing all the clues about what makes him happy. Both of you need to be happy for it to work, and both of you need to cooperate to make a successful relationship. ©2020 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” and offers courses at GenerousMarriage.com. Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina
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