Clients often come into my office with questions about a relationship that’s not quite working. Whether the relationship is new or has gone on for a while, it’s not working well now. While my main focus is usually on helping people repair relationships and create more connection, intimacy and joy, sometimes it becomes necessary to help people figure out if it’s time to leave.

It’s not always easy to admit that you’ve connected with someone you care about, but he or she is not really “the one” for you. Your brain may not know, but your gut, otherwise known as your subconscious and your feelings, do.

Here are some hints that he or she may not be “the one”:

1. You’re not turned on, excited, eager to be close: To sustain intimacy throughout a long-term relationship, you need to begin with a strong intimate connection. If you’re enjoying snuggling, but never want it to go farther, (or your partner doesn’t) you've probably got a cuddly friend, and not a love relationship.

2. You feel bored. If you find you’re always on your phone or ignoring each other, you are probably bored. There’s not enough meaningful communication to keep you feeling connected. You might be able to fix this if it’s just bad habits, but it can also mean you don’t have enough to say to each other. You know how you never run out of things to talk about with your bestie? You need to have that with your main squeeze, too.

3.You hope your date doesn’t call, or you avoid talking with him or her. Instead of waiting eagerly to hear his or her voice, you hope the phone won’t ring, or you’ll just get an easily brushed-off text. It’s a bad sign, indicating that you aren’t really enjoying your connection.

4. You never laugh together. Laughter is an essential part of romantic connection. If you’re too serious, and you don’t know how to laugh together, your relationship probably will become boring and brittle, and won’t survive the tough times.

5. You aren’t looking forward to going out with your partner. There’s nothing you look forward to about being together. You might be late for dates a lot. Maybe you prefer to spend time with friends; having separate time with friends can be a good thing, but not if it’s just because you don’t want to be alone together.

6. You don’t feel inspired to make future plans. If you aren’t thinking “Wow, I’d love to go to (name the place) with this person and share (name the activity),” it could be an indication that you’re not planning a future for this relationship.

7. Physical symptoms: If you get headaches, feel sick to your stomach or just feel physically uncomfortable around your date, that’s a serious sign that your tension level is high, and you’re not happy here. Don’t ignore such signs, they’ll only get worse.

If you experience any of these signs, it’s important to first pay attention and understand how you feel, and then talk about it. Some of these things might be fixable if you’re both willing. Repairing the relationship starts with telling the truth about how you feel.

More on repairing your relationship:
Begin Again with an Apology
How Not to Repeat Past Relationship Mistakes