DATING: DON’T BE HIS “BACKUP PLAN” If your guy never wants to make a definite date (would you like to go out Friday night?) and just wants to come over to your house on the spur of the moment, he doesn’t make an effort to keep in touch (you should not be making all the effort) and he doesn’t seem to think about the future, he’s probably just using you as “reserve“ and not really interested (either in you or in commitment). You need a different kind of guy. Don’t look for the surface stuff. Handsome is as handsome does. Find a guy with character, which you’re more likely to find out if you are socially involved with him before you are personally involved with him. Don’t be too easily available. Your interaction should be like a tennis match. He volleys, then you do. Never send a lot of shots over the net in a row. This is pure Narcissism on the man’s part, coupled with insecurity that he won’t find his “Ms. right.” (Yes, Narcissists are insecure) It’s linked to a fear of commitment, but even more to a view of women as “sources of narcissistic supply”: women as ego-gratification. That’s why no one woman is enough. These men regard women as possessions, trophies, not as people. The man is only looking from his own point of view and has no empathy or real capacity for love or commitment. If you’re looking for a commitment, avoid these men at all costs. It’s OK to date more than one man until you find one who is as willing to commit to you as you are to him. Keep looking around until you find a “keeper.” Stay away from online dating, where men get the impression that the supply of women is endless, and they don’t have to earn a relationship. Instead, get socially active in groups and clubs, classes and sports, and meet people face to face. You’re more likely to be able to tell the difference between a good guy and a good advertiser. Most of these men are ambivalent about whether they want the woman to know she’s a fallback, because they would like the woman not to have expectations of commitment, but they also know if she knows her status, she’ll probably disappear. Some of them just don’t want to be a bad guy or hurt her feelings—not realizing that keeping her on reserve hurts worse. I think most guys are OK, they really don’t want to be bad guys, they just also don’t always want to step up to the plate. Most of the time women who engage with other men while the one who has them on reserve gets himself together improve in his estimation and become more valuable. He will respect her, and he may come back again and again—but he also may not change his spots. Some guys won’t commit no matter how valuable they think the woman is. If you’re involved with someone like this, stop interacting with him. Block him on your phone and social media, and move on. Look for someone who can actually make a commitment, who keeps his promises, and who cares about you. Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (www.tinatessina.com) is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 18 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest; Stop Overthinking: A Workbook. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
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