DEVELOPING SELF-CONFIDENCE Confidence means having faith, or trust, in yourself. This is important because you’re only at full power when you can trust yourself to follow through on reaching your goals. Our confidence has been eroded by the years of the pandemic, and the current climate of negativity and hatred in politics. We have a chance now to start anew, and to re-commit to ourselves, to supporting ourselves emotionally, and to taking our wants and goals seriously, and following through on them. If you’re not your own best supporter, no other support really counts. Here are some ways to build your confidence: • Understand your past: Low self-esteem, previous betrayals and parents or others who were abusive, belittling, distant or unreliable can cause anyone to become extremely guarded. If you feel bad about yourself, you can’t trust yourself. If your past is especially painful, you may need the help of a therapist to unpack and diffuse it. Therapy can help you improve your self-image, which will lead to self-confidence. • Look for patterns: Examine patterns in your past and current relationships, especially the ones in which you felt let down or betrayed. Ask yourself, what was similar about these relationships: What were your expectations? Sometimes we want a relationship to work out so much that we hear promises that the other person didn’t make. If you rely heavily on others meeting your expectations, you don’t trust yourself. Learn to use your judgment and watch people’s actions instead of listening to your words. When you use your awareness to protect yourself, you can trust yourself. We have just been through four years of gaslighting from our national leaders, which can be very confusing, especially if you grew up in non-supportive circumstances. Being aware of other people’s actions instead of their words will help you cut through your confusion. • Commit to being trustworthy yourself: Keep your promises, especially to yourself. Be fair, be kind, and don’t take advantage of people or let them take advantage of you. When you feel trustworthy, you’ll have reason to trust yourself. • Watch for drama: If you react with a lot of drama when something seems wrong, before you know what’s really going on, you don’t trust yourself, and you lack confidence. Overreacting, hysteria and temper tantrums are all signs of feeling out of control. Learn to think before responding, and you’ll feel and look more confident. • Resolve anxious feelings: If you have a lot of anxiety, you don’t trust yourself. Learn to face your fears and figure out what to do if anything you’re afraid of actually happens. Once you know how to take care of yourself, your anxiety will fade and your confidence will grow. Learn to pin down thoughts which are self-defeating or anxious, write them down, and figure out how to change them. Don’t let your anxiety rule you, take charge of it and resolve it. •Choose your companions based on trust: If the people around you aren’t reliable, you’ll behave more like them. Hang around trustworthy, reliable people who keep their word and don’t make promises they can’t keep. Your behavior will improve and so will your confidence. ©2022 Tina B. Tessina. Adapted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. . She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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