It’s often surprising to realize that the intimacy that comes with a relationship can be a problem. You or your partner can easily feel stress or pressure about too much closeness and not enough separateness. If you feel you have to cater or be nice to your partner all the time, and put aside what you really want to do (your spouse insists on talking about the relationship when you’d rather just zone out in front of the TV, for example), you’ll feel resentful and want to get away from your partner and the related stress.

This problem arises because most people have hidden ‘rules’ or beliefs about intimacy. Once they get close, many people feel that they shouldn’t ever want to pull away. So, to protect personal space they put up unconscious barriers, behaviors and responses that communicate to others ‘go away’ or ‘don’t get too close.’

Keeping your distance can hurt your partner’s feelings and create big problems in the relationship. For example, if you feel the need for space and pull away, get quiet or shut down without communicating your feelings to your partner; he or she may not understand it and feel pushed away. As a result he or she may insist on being reassured by demanding more closeness. This will make your need for space more acute, and you’ll pull away further, and your partner will become more demanding. This whole process can lead to struggling, hurt feelings, and anger—and you may not even understand what you’re fighting about.

• Your own need for personal space may be a lot different than your partner’s, your child’s or others that you know.
• Your spouse’s personal space can be a lot different from some previous partner’s needs.
• The idea of appropriate closeness can be affected by cultural and family styles.

Research shows that most men need more space than most women. Because women are more influenced by the connection hormones Oxytocin and endorphins and men more by the achievement hormones testosterone and adrenaline; women are likely to be more comfortable with close personal space than men. This can be modified, however, by life experience, family style, cultural background and career choices, so there are women who need more space than some men.

Personal space is difficult to describe. It is the emotional and physical room you need to be comfortable. When you don’t have enough emotional or physical space, you’ll feel crowded, pressured, and uncomfortable. We need intimacy as much as food and shelter, but no one needs it all the time and some people need more than others. As human beings, we have both a need to belong and a need to be unique. We want to be accepted, to belong, and we also want to be special, and recognized as different. These needs often appear to conflict as we search for the balance point between them.

It’s often surprising to realize that the intimacy that comes with a relationship can be a problem. You or your partner can easily feel stress or pressure about too much closeness and not enough separateness. If you feel you have to cater or be nice to your partner all the time, and put aside what you really want to do (your spouse insists on talking about the relationship when you’d rather just zone out in front of the TV, for example), you’ll feel resentful and want to get away from your partner and the related stress.

If you were born in a family whose style was very formal, or a culture that has a great deal of respect for personal space, you’ll be horrified if your partner pries into your personal things, walks in on you in the bathroom, reads your mail, asks too many personal questions, or wants a lot of attention. If, instead, you grew up in a close, very informal family, who had a lot of group activities and interactions, you might be quite comfortable with your spouse being very present, asking lots of questions, and wanting to share everything with you. Your private thoughts, your feelings, your personal correspondence, your sexuality, even bathroom time and your clothing are all areas in which you may have different comfort levels than other people.

To work out personal space issues in your relationship:

1. If you’re feeling pushed away, or that your partner is shutting you out, it’s probably a personal space or privacy issue. Tell your partner what you’re noticing (without accusing or blaming; just report the facts) and ask what your partner thinks it means.

2. If you’re the one who needs more space, it’s easiest to start the conversation by focusing on what you need to do: get chores or work done, exercise, spend time with family or friends. Take the time to explain why it’s important for you to do this alone. Your partner is much less likely to create negative fantasies about why you want space if he or she has solid information.

3. Negotiate about your personal space differences. Perhaps one of you wants to keep in touch by phone during the workday, and the other finds it intrusive or awkward. Maybe texting would be an unobtrusive solution.

4. You can lessen the need for intimate time if you make sure you’re connecting when you’re together. Don’t take him or her for granted. If you are fully present when you’re together, your need for the reassurance of intimacy will be less.

5. Check out your own need for intimacy or for more space. Ask yourself if you’re feeling needy because there’s an unsolved problem between you and your partner, or if you have emotional baggage from other relationships that exaggerates your natural need for space or closeness.

With a little inner detective work, and a lot of communication, you can work out a deal that has both of you feeling loved as well as free to be yourself.