EMOTIONAL ABUSE: WHAT IT IS AND WHAT TO DO As a counselor of families under stress, I have personally witnessed the damage that verbal violence and emotional abuse does, not only to spouses, but also to the children who witness it. There is a high likelihood that children who live in an abusive atmosphere will grow up scarred by it. For them, verbal violence is a norm, so they tend to have anger management problems, addiction problems, anxiety and depression as well as self esteem problems. They frequently grow up to create future dysfunctional relationships. If you know your children are being emotionally abused, there are things you can do. 1. Use a tape recorder. Get a voice-activated tape recorder, and record the verbal abuser when he or she is in a rage. Record abusive telephone messages. If your child will talk to you about the abuse, record that. Recordings are valuable evidence in court. 2. Keep a log. If your ex abuses his or her visitation or custody privileges, keep a log, with dates and times, of what happens. If he or she doesn’t allow you to see the kids in your time slot, write it down. If he or she keeps the kids longer, or drops them off unexpectedly, doesn’t get them to school on time, write it down. This is also good evidence in court. 3. Stay in control of yourself: Do not try to reason with the abuser, and especially do not get drawn into fights. Instead, work with school counselors, and get whatever allies you can. If your ex’s new wife or husband agrees that there’s too much anger and yelling, make friends with that person, and get them on your side. Your goal is to gather as much evidence of abuse as you can, while staying calm yourself. 4. Stay calm. I know it’s hard, but one way abusers escape punishment is to draw others into their verbal violence, so everyone looks crazy. Stay very calm, especially in court or legal settings. Stay calm in front of social workers. I have witnessed many incidents where my client stayed calm in court, and the abuser went into a rage, which shows the judge who’s really at fault. Divorces involve a lot of damage, and often leave leftover bad feelings, which then get acted out in the post-divorce situation. If your new partner’s ex seems like the ex from hell, be sure you’re not being unfair. What did your new partner do to create damage in the last relationship? You need to know, because it’s going to happen in your current relationship, and you need to handle it better than the ex did. Your partner’s ex might have real problems: alcoholism, emotional instability, financial incompetence; which will affect both of you and the kids. If this is the case, get some professional advice for how to deal intelligently with it. It's important not to be at war with the ex (yours or your partner’s). It’s better to pity than to criticize, and to work out a plan to handle the ex as is. If the ex is really unstable, don’t fight it. If you don’t give the ex reason to fight you, and are willing to have the children whenever the ex isn’t capable, the ex will pretty much disappear after a while, and leave you all in peace. Signals of an Abuser/user Anger, control, and possessiveness are all warning signs that a person may have a control issue, which can lead to abuse, but there are other signs to watch for as well. Abusers are often charming, and often do well in court, because they present well to the judge, while the abused spouse is a wreck. Know the signs of emotional blackmail: 1. A demand. This person won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands. 2. Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument. 3. Pressure. This person pressures you to go along. 4. Threats. This person uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to get full custody, tears, rage, badgering. What to Do If You or Your Children Are Battered 1. Realize it’s not going to get better. If your partner flies into rage, verbally or sexually abuses or batters you or your children, no matter what he or she may say, it isn’t your fault, and you have no control over his or her behavior. Even the abuser has very little control. It is not just a one-time incident, it is an indication of a severely disturbed character, and it will not go away without years of intense therapy. 2. Protect yourself and your children. The best way to do this is to tell the truth to family, friends, your minister, your doctor, your therapist, your co-workers, one of the hotlines, the police and anyone else who will listen. There is no need for you to be ashamed, but there is an urgent need for you to get help. If it seems that no one is listening, consider that you might not be telling the whole truth: battered spouses have a tendency to downplay and make excuses for the abuse, or take responsibility for it. The best protection for you and your children is for your abuser’s behavior to become public knowledge. The vast majority of abusers are cowards, who only prey on dependent, defenseless people. They like to believe they are in control, and they aren’t as likely to lose control before witnesses. 3. Get out of there: Once you have been physically abused, do not be alone with the abuser again. This is another reason to tell everyone you know. You either need a place to go, or someone (perhaps several people) to stay with you until you are safe. You may also need financial help. There are shelters you can go to which will keep you safe. Call a Domestic Violence hotline to find a shelter. 4. Call the cops: If you are hit, call the police (911). They respond much better now than they used to, and the law is now on your side. When they come, press charges. Do not make excuses to yourself or anyone else. If your abuser gets away with it even once, he or she will get more abusive. Do not listen to pleas for sympathy, understanding or forgiveness. You can forgive the abuser after he or she has gotten help, and only after you and your children are safe. 5. See a Doctor: If you’re injured (including bruised), get medical help. Tell the doctors and nurses the truth about how it happened. 6. File a restraining order, or a Protection from Violence order. Volunteers at the police department will help you fill it out. With a restraining order, you can call the police as soon as the abuser gets close to you or your home. Without one, the police need evidence of the abuse to arrest anyone. 7. Attend Al-Anon meetings. You will learn a lot of good information that will help you avoid being someone else's victim. For information: Dr. Romance’s Guidelines for Co-Parenting after divorce: Commonly, everyone feels wounded after a divorce. The divorced parents are going through feelings of failure, rejection, abandonment and loss. The children have similar feelings. All these hurt feelings lead to competitiveness, drama and recriminations. Divorced parents, in sharing custody, can retaliate against each other by making visitation difficult, bad-mouthing the other parent (or the new partner or step-parent) to the children, withholding child support and trying to get the children to deliver inappropriate messages to the other spouse, like “mommy says you didn’t dress us right.” Divorced parents can avoid these scenarios by using the following guidelines: • Don’t React, Respond: When the other parent does something upsetting, take time to cool down before responding, and respond with a possible solution. • Talk About It to safe people: Talk to other couples, to a therapist, to friends and to family to create more understanding and brainstorm about options. If you can find other couples who have resolved divorce differences, find out what they decided. Let off steam to safe people, so your children don’t experience your anger and frustration. • Explain Your Ex’s Point of View: When talking about it to each other, or to someone else who is supportive, explain each other’s point of view, which will help you understand. • Focus on Your Children: Keep your focus on what would be best for your children, and if they are old enough to understand, bring them into the discussion. Don’t try to persuade them to either side, but present the options as objectively as you can, and find out what your children think about it. • Experiment: Be willing to try some experiments. Try it the way the other parent wants it, to see if it works. Try letting the children decide how they want it to be, within reason. • Avoid Right/wrong Discussions: Arguing about who is right or wrong will not solve anything. Instead, work on understanding what is important to each of you, then finding a way to incorporate that and resolve your differences. Focus on the problem only long enough to understand what it is, then switch the focus of your discussion to what will work, and what will solve the problem that both of you can live with your mutual decision. • Give your young children a family experience: While the kids are small, still do some family activities with all of you together. • Introduce new partners slowly and very cautiously, hopefully time will pass before you do this. Don’t spring a new partner on your spouse or your children. Don’t say “This is your new Stepmother (Stepfather).” That will set you up for disaster. © 2021 Tina B. Tessina – adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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