ENVY: RESENTFUL OR INSPIRING? It’s quite easy to envy someone who has something we’d like to have. According to researchers, there are two types of envy: malignant envy (That person doesn’t deserve it) and benign envy (If that person did it, maybe I can also) While malignant envy is resentful and can be harmful, the more inspiring kind of envy can also be used as motivation, inspiration, or role modeling. I define envy as wanting what someone else has. If you do that in a jealous way, it can be malignant, and lead to feeling bad about yourself and others. But, if you see the other person as a role model showing you the way to have your own version of what they have, it can be very inspirational and motivating. If you envy someone who has something you’d like, don’t waste time in bitterness and resentment about what that person has. Instead, observe that person, and others who have what you’d like to have, and figure out what they did to achieve it. We all know that, even if someone is born into luxury, they can ruin it for themselves. The smart ones can work with whatever they have to generate more of what they want. You can do that also. Everyone you admire can become a role model. Offering to help someone you admire can lead to them becoming your mentor. That’s how I became a better writer, by learning from observing and working with others. There’s no need for envy if you’re benefitting from the other person’s know-how. Envy, properly viewed, can definitely be a clue as to what your heart’s desire can be. Sometimes, we get into what we’re doing by default: the people we grow up around do it, so we think we need to do it. (The daughter of a lawyer, thinks she should be a lawyer, for example). But, if you look around at what the people you admire or envy are doing, you might find something else you’d rather do. I grew up waitressing in my parents’ restaurant, and I was good at music in school, so I won a scholarship to music school. Once there, I realized that, although I enjoyed music, I didn’t enjoy the pressure of performing very much. I left school and went back to waitressing, then I started working in offices and became an accountant. I was good at it, but it didn’t inspire me. When I finally got into counseling after a messy divorce, I discovered my passion, and found my mentors. Writing became an adjunct to doing therapy. You can always change your mind about what you want to do, and you can figure out how to do it by learning from those who are successful. Malignant envy feels helpless and hopeless, and the resentment can eat away at your self-worth. Inspiring envy can light your way to a happy, fulfilled life, if you drop the resentment and observe and learn from those you actually admire for achieving something you want. All your emotions, including envy, are trying to teach you something about yourself. If you listen, and have faith in your ability to learn, you can figure out what you want to do, and how to get there. When you do that, it will feel like your calling, or what you were put on Earth to do. It’s a great feeling. © 2023 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from: The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; The Real 13th Step; How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; Money, Sex and Kids, and her newest, 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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