HELPING YOUR PARTNER THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES As we have all recently experienced, life can suddenly bring difficult times. It’s often hard to know what to do when your partner is experiencing a sudden loss, a big disappointment or some other upsetting circumstance. Here are some helpful hints about what to do if your partner is struggling. • What are some clues your partner may be going through an especially difficult period? If your partner’s mood changes: a usually happy person is sad and withdrawn, or cranky and irritable. Your partner stops talking to you about things he or she usually chatters about: work, friends, the news. Your usually abstemious partner starts drinking more, or vaping, or taking antidepressants. Your partner doesn’t want to get up in the morning, or interact with you. Any truly noticeable change in behavior, attitude or communication can indicate your partner is having trouble. • How can you find a middle ground between overextending yourself and not helping enough? Take a moment to figure out why you think your partner is having difficulty. Have they said something? Can you tell they're isolating? Then have a gentle but frank conversation. “I notice that you seem stressed because (list what you’ve observed, but don’t blame). Is that true? What can I do to help?” • If you know your partner’s going through a tough period, what are some broadly applicable ways you can help/things you can do? DON’T fuss too much, but offer things your partner likes. Make his favorite dessert, buy her some flowers, offer to set up a video chat with friends. Offer, but don’t push or insist. DO understand how to comfort your partner. Many people put on a strong front, but they often are worried that they’re not good enough or loveable enough, so be ready to reassure. DON’T let your partner’s anxiety or unhappiness make you anxious. Stay calm, and remember the difficulty is not your fault, and only your partner can process their feelings. DO notice when s/he's uptight. Many struggling people often can’t articulate their worries, so you can help by noticing s/he’s cranky or anxious, and (gently) encouraging him or her to talk about it. See above suggestion for what to say. DON'T allow him or her to take the problem out on you. If your partner is being critical, it’s probably more about him or her than you. You can be understanding, but don’t allow him or her to browbeat you. Confront it, and ask what’s really wrong. “Look, I know you’re upset, but please don’t punish me for it. Tell me what’s upsetting you, and I’ll help you fix it or deal with it.” DO encourage your partner to be active. Activity counters worry. Invite him or her to walk with you, play a sport or even dance in the living room. S/he’ll feel better about him or herself. DON’T add to your partner’s struggle by telling him or her a stream of yours. It can be helpful to share that you’ve had a similar upset in the past, and what you learned from it, but keep the focus on helping your partner. DO listen when s/he’s upset about work, aging, money, etc. When s/he complains about these things, it means s/he trusts you. Listen to him or her, let him or her know you understand, and then help come up with solutions. DON’T let the upset draw you into an argument (about money, for example.) S/he’s probably not intending to criticize you, s/he’s probably just worried and wanting to share the only way s/he knows how. Just move the conversation to a more positive focus, like what the two of you can do about it. DO remember most emotion comes from history. At a time when things are calm, ask your partner about his or her early history, and how it connects with the problem. In the moment, it helps if you can calm down and ask calmly why s/he’s so upset. If s/he’s the only one being angry, s/he’ll soon see that it’s out of line. DO ask how you can let him or her know you're upset without getting him or her more upset than you are. Allow some time to come up with an answer, but don’t drop the subject permanently. An anxious reaction is not that rational. It’s an emotional thing. People who overreact are scared, feel helpless, and are trying to get in control of what’s happening. It’s not rational thinking; it’s emotional reaction. No matter what you do, don’t get into a fight about anger. It’s better to choose your battles, even if you’re the only one choosing. © 2021 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together. Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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