HOW COMMUNICATING YOUR LOVE CAN GO WRONG When you and your partner have different ways of loving, your best intentions can backfire. The very thing you think is a loving gesture can be misunderstood and actually upset your partner. The same action that one partner can find loving, another can find upsetting. Here are a few examples: •  Smothering: Waiting around for your partner, wanting to be together every minute, can seem loving to you, but if it’s more intimacy than your partner wants or is used to, it may feel very smothering and demanding. If your partner seems to be avoiding you, ask why and listen to the answer. •  Broadcasting: I just got a complaint about this in my office this week. If something special (or terrible) has happened to your loved one; it may feel good to you to broadcast it on Social Media (Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, etc.) and brag or commiserate, but your loved one may not want such public awareness. Always check before posting stuff about people you love. •  Nagging: We worry about our loved ones, and sometimes that worry leads us to say things that may not be what they want to hear: “You need to lose weight.” “Why don’t you get a better job.” “Please go to (the doctor, AA, Weight Watchers, my manicurist, etc).” All these things are said from love and worry about the person, but he or she may just hear it as pressure. •  Keeping Track: Wanting to know where your loved one is all the time may come from love, and wanting them to be safe, but it often feels like lack of trust to your loved one. Ask to compare schedules when there’s a possibility of conflict, but don’t ask for every moment to be accounted for. •  Snooping: Reading your loved one’s phone, email, checking up on their bank account, snooping through their room is a clear sign of lack of trust of them. If you have reason to suspect drugs or other problems, then the snooping could be informative, but it will still damage your relationship. •  Hiding: Avoiding conflict and discussion may seem loving to you, especially if you grew up amid a lot of drama; but if it feels like you’re hiding out to your partner, it’s damaging to your relationship. Examine your motives. Anything done from your perspective that doesn’t take into account how your partner feels about it or views it will feel intrusive to your loved one. If you’re not getting the response you hoped for, ask your partner what he or she feels. If your partner feels smothered or pressured, and you can’t relax your behavior, it may mean you have unresolved issues you need to work through, like leftover hurt from a previous relationship, or self-esteem issues from childhood. THE DISASTER EQUATION A good illustration of how this happens can be illustrated by a common relationship dynamic which I call the “Disaster Equation.” I can explain it like this: (A loves B the way A wants to be loved) + (B loves A the way B wants to be loved) = (A feels unloved and unappreciated for loving) + (B feels unloved and unappreciated for loving). Resentment builds on both sides; the result is a natural disaster with mutual accusations and mutual guilt. But if both A and B realize that their ways of loving are unique and that A may not understand how B loves, and vice versa; then assumptions underlying the original equation change as follows: —A & B now want to learn from each other. —A learns how B wants to be loved; teaches B how to love A. —B learns how A wants to be loved; teaches A how to love B. Then: (A loves B the way B wants to be loved) + (new ways B has learned to understand and appreciate) + (B loves A the way A wants to be loved) + (new options A has learned to like) = (A feels loved; appreciated for loving, excited about new discoveries) + (B feels loved, appreciated for loving and excited about new discoveries.) This all comes about because A and B have recognized the necessity of learning from and teaching each other. They dropped their assumptions about the meanings of each other’s behavior and learned to question and understand each other. It really is that simple. The hard part is remembering how simple it is when things get tense, angry or scary. Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina
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