HOW COUPLES CAN HANDLE FINANCIAL STRESS Financial stress and job loss is not too tough at the beginning, and couples can cope for a few weeks or months, but after a while it creates emotional stress and changes basic patterns in life and marriage, which can be a shock. A couple who may have been comfortable can now face financial shortages, and a person who was basically gone all day can be home, underfoot, for a spouse. Ask each other, what has changed now, and what must we do differently? Don’t wait until you’re frustrated or finances get difficult to face the issues. Job loss can be frightening. Keep in mind that, if you’ve gotten this far, you’re doing very well, and you’ve survived a lot together, so you can survive this, too. The problem is that people who’ve been together a while often don’t understand that life changes will require relationship changes. Handle this like all the other crises: talk about your feelings, your plans, your frustrations and don’t forget to count your blessings. Overcoming money problems together, and working as a team will indeed strengthen the bond in your relationship. The most valuable thing in a long-term stable relationship is having a partnership, and most new couples don’t realize that money is a major factor in marital happiness. Money is one of the biggest generators of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples argue about spending, saving, budgeting, and disparity in earnings. The traditional view of relationships assumes that all money should be pooled, but it isn’t always that simple. If you both work, a difference in income can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income determines your lifestyle. If one of you works, and the other stays home to care for children, or perhaps go to school, the wage earner can resent paying the bills, and the homemaker can feel restricted and unappreciated. Different financial habits (one likes to save, the other spends more or doesn’t keep track) can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating your money makes things run smoother; you don’t wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share if your incomes are different. However you decide to do it, you need a clear, mutual understanding of your agreement. Money doesn’t have to be a wedge between you and your partner. It can be a great tool for learning more about one another. Money doesn’t make happiness, but using money matters as a discussion point can help your relationship grow. Making long-term plans, helping reach goals and improving your quality of life are just some of the things you will be able to accomplish - together. Money Talks Money talks need to be a part of scheduling weekly meetings: not just for money, but also for catching up with one another. Bills, social planning, long-term goals and working on your relationship are just some of the issues you’ll discuss. Just sitting down once a week to talk about what happened and bringing the checkbook up to date can be a good management tool, a time to talk about long-term plans such as purchasing a house or paying off college debt. Use the time not only to take stock of your finances, but of your relationship, too. Ask each other what is going well and what needs improvement. If you do it with the right attitude, this weekly meeting will be something that you look forward to, not an ordeal that you dread. As you talk about positive solutions and setting out long-term goals, many financial and other problems will be solved as they arise, and before they become difficult. If you endeavor to share the time and energy in a mutually beneficial way, it can become a social occasion. Make it a pleasant occasion go out to dinner together or wait until the children are asleep or have a late breakfast on a Saturday morning, and use the following guidelines to help you. Guidelines for Money Discussions 1. Share your different attitudes about money. Talk about how your families dealt with money, and what you liked and didn’t like about their style. Share your observations about how various friends handle money, and share what you think. Then make the discussion more personal by talking about how you feel about money, spending, saving, and your future dreams. 2. Discuss long-term joint financial goals (i.e. a new home, baby, etc.). The previous step should lead you naturally into a further discussion of your long-term goals, and into a discussion of specific steps you need to follow to reach them. Steps should include saving and/or raising money to realize your goals, and a plan for how long you think it will take. 3. Put your plan to work. Once you have the steps outlined, break the first couple steps down into small increments and choose steps for which each of you will take the responsibility in the coming week. 4. Establish separate checking accounts or personal spending budgets. As part of your plans, you may want to open separate checking accounts, savings accounts for building your dreams, and agree on budgets for personal spending from your available funds. (See budgeting steps later in the chapter) 5. Discuss how the plan is going on a weekly basis. Keep this discussion going every week, and keep each other informed about how your plans are going. This is a good time to discuss the bills that need to be paid, changes in income or expenses, and what you need to do to accommodate the changes. 6. Keep talking. No matter how well or poorly your finances are going at any given time; keep your financial discussions going. The more frequently you discuss your finances, the less difficult the discussions will be, and the more likely that you’ll make good financial choices. ©2023 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences; The Real 13th Step; How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; Money, Sex and Kids, and her newest, 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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