HOW TO BE MORE KIND We’re in a society that doesn’t value kindness at the moment. It values success, at all costs. This atmosphere can make it difficult for people to express their softer feelings. Also, if you didn’t grow up with kindness, and aren’t surrounded by it, you may not know how to go about it. Why Is Kindness Important? Warm social connections cause the brain to release endorphins, which are a very big reward. Expressing kindness causes a high in both the giver and the receiver. When you pay someone a genuine compliment, it makes you and the receiver both feel good. Start with Yourself Many of my clients know how to be kind to others, but aren’t very kind to themselves. When you are kinder to yourself, you are automatically kinder to others. From the act of giving to yourself, you learn both how to receive and how to give kindness. Paying positive attention to your own words and actions creates inner kindness and when inner kindness exists, kindness toward others feels more genuine. Guidelines for Being Kind: • Kindness begins on the inside: learn to be as kind in talking to yourself as you are to others; then, keep improving. Positive self-talk sets the bar for the happiness in your life. • Letters, e-mails, notes and cards expressing kind words to your friends, kids or spouse and family, even when you live together or nearby. Getting uplifting messages will inspire anyone’s day. • When you know someone who is ill, bereaved, down or needs help; get together with other friends and work as a team to get them what they need: whether it’s a meal, some company, or errands run. • So many of us are lost about how to help a friend in times of grief; but all that’s really needed is a little kindness and a listening ear. Grief needs a witness, and you can listen sympathetically. •Don’t forget to express your gratitude, beginning with the simple “Magic Words:” please and thank you. Manners are social lubricant: they hold society together, and they show respect to others. There’s respect for self (treating oneself as you would a good friend), respect for family and friends, respect for differences, like other cultures, races, religions. There are certainly rewards for kindness. It lubricates social connections, and lays a foundation for love, friendship, business success and social recognition in your own life. • One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to keep a positive outlook and see the silver lining. Often we feel unlucky because we aren’t noticing the luck we have. Even if something bad has happened, such as the loss of someone dear, the fact that you had such a person in your life was lucky, or having something to lose, in the first place, is lucky. By all means, express grief for your loss, but also remember the gift that you had whatever time with that person before the loss. • Every gift is an expression of love, and every giver should be thanked graciously, no matter what the gift is. Whether you’re giving or receiving, what counts is the thought, not the value. May you give and receive kindness as much as possible; it will make you happy. ©2021 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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