HOW TO CALM YOUR INNER CRITIC Each of us has a running commentary on our life, our performance, and who we are in general. For many people, that commentary is negative, a constant flow of self-criticism and discouragement. As small children, we are unable to differentiate between doing something wrong (making a mistake) and being something wrong (a bad child) so we are vulnerable to believing we are bad, stupid, and unworthy. After a while we constantly feel ashamed of our inadequacy, as if we ought to apologize for existing and deserve to live in an environment of criticism and abuse. Contempt for your own existence is, perhaps, the single most destructive feeling you can have about yourself, since it makes you feel unworthy to cope, unfit to exist, and completely dependent on the effects and opinions of others. If you realize you have a constant stream of self-criticism running in your mind, there are some simple things you can do to counteract it. • Take charge of your negative thoughts: (that’s one thing totally in your control) and turn them around: argue with them, fight them off, wrestle with them. Put energy into it. Let go of whatever you can’t control such as other people, life’s events, loss, disappointment. Stop trying to change what won’t change, accept what is, let it be and live life as it is. Yes, it’s easier said than done, but once you get a handle on it, life itself is easier. Fretting about what you can’t control is an endless, useless waste of energy you can use elsewhere. • Change your thinking: One thing you can do is to monitor your self-talk: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, you can choose to replace your negative monologue with something more positive. Self-talk is the most powerful tool you have for turning your negative feelings to positive and your negative interactions with your partner to love. Your brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you’ve heard over and over. • Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait: your hearing and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier person. Quiet moments with your partner or a friend will be especially meaningful to you, and make you happy. If, on the other hand, you’re a party animal: social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset. You will bring the party to your friendships and relationships and music and activity will lift your spirits. • Make a note: Write positive comments to yourself on your daily calendar for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate. Your partner will also appreciate little love notes or thank you notes left around to surprise and delight. • Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china. Work with your partner to incorporate both of your childhood celebration elements. • Use visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies. It’s a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and your partner that you’ll both feel daily. • Reward yourself and your friends: Go out for ice cream, high five each other, toast with champagne or ginger ale in fancy glasses, take a day off for just the two of you, and party every chance you get. • Try laughter: Find a way to laugh with your partner every day. Share jokes, funny memories, comedic movies and Internet jokes. It will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help you release a lot of stress. • Use Gratitude: Every day I see the positive effects of getting my clients to focus on gratitude. The things we feel good about are easily taken for granted, so making sure you spend some of your time noticing what you’re grateful for gives you a chance to register the good things in your life, reduce your stress and anxiety, and feel better about yourself, your relationship, and your life. While stress and anxiety cause the body to release adrenalin and testosterone, focusing on gratitude floods you with oxytocin, acetylcholine and other calming, relaxing agents. Hormones are emotions, emotions are hormones, so when you’re flooded with happy hormones, you’ll both feel good. • Daily thanks: Take some time each day to be thankful for each and every thing that comes your way. Do this silently, for yourself, not ostentatiously, to impress others. If you say a grace before meals, say it silently, and think about how fortunate you are. Hold hands with your partner and give thanks for your love. • Keep a gratitude list: For one week, list every good thing that comes your way—a funny e-mail, a phone call, a business success, a loving gesture, or a sweet moment with your partner. At the end of the week, you’ll be astounded at how much you receive. • Thank your loved ones: Thanking your partner, friends and family allows all of you to feel valued. Gratitude is powerful, and, used properly, a much greater motivator than demanding, criticizing, or nagging. Creative gratitude is the most powerful kind. It’s easy to scope out what kind of thank you will be memorable for a particular person, when you’re paying attention. Recognition is a powerful motivating factor, and a little gratitude can go a long way. • Counter negative thoughts: Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, counter it by giving thanks for something that is good in your life. Change your focus from what’s wrong to what is right. • Count your blessings: Count everything you already have that you cherish. Consider beginning a gratitude journal, and noting all the positive things, beloved possessions, and tender moments you experience. Or, start a gratitude jar, and note down on scraps of paper all the positive things, beloved friends, favorite possessions, and tender moments you experience in your life and relationship, and store them in the jar. Then whenever you feel frustrated, down or discouraged, pull out a few papers and read them. You’ll find that reminding yourself of all you have to be grateful for will cheer you up and help you remember that your life is a good one. • Get to know yourself: Just checking in with yourself on a daily basis, knowing how you feel and what you think about whatever is going on in your life will make you happier, and reduce your stress. Being kind to yourself and having a good relationship with you will make all your relationships with other people go more smoothly. Whether you realize it or not, the relationship you have with yourself sets the pattern for how you connect with your partner. By developing a nurturing way to relate to yourself, you create a personal experience of both giving and receiving love. Learn to be friends with yourself, and your other friendships and relationships will improve dramatically. • Know how to soothe yourself: Familiarity with your feelings helps you make appropriate choices in every phase of your life. When you know how you feel, you also know how to comfort yourself when you’re stressed or tired. What makes you most comfortable? What soothes you? What helps you recharge? It can be anything from a bubble bath, a session of shooting baskets, a yoga session, or your favorite music to a long walk in the country, a good workout, a phone conversation with your best friend, or a nap. Make a list of your favorite “personal rechargers.” Make sure the list includes simple things you can do cheaply (such as relax with a cup of tea and read a favorite book) to things that are very special (such as a vacation or a massage or a facial). Keep the list where you can refer to it whenever you feel in need of a recharge, and make use of it often. • Maintain your happiness: Doing what you can to bring as much happiness as possible to yourself and others. Being happy is undeniably good for you—the endorphins it releases reduce stress and pain, and boost your health and immune system. Happiness makes you glad to be alive and pleasant to be around. • Set aside regular time for yourself: Me time is important for nurturing your relationship with yourself. It is proof that you care about yourself, just as when partner spends time with you, you feel cared about. Take your time for you as seriously as your business appointments or time with your partner. It will help you stay on an even keel, and be a better partner. • Spend time with people you love: Being with people you care about and who care about you is a great way to affirm your value as a person, and to confirm that your life has meaning and purpose. Make sure you take good care of your friendships and your relationship. Knowing you are loved is a great way to take care of you. Emotional maintenance means thinking about emotional health and staying in touch with your feelings. When you focus on emotional hygiene, you and your partner will find hope and energy are created, which gives you even more reason for gratitude. ©2021 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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