HOW TO CHANGE SOMEONE Sure, you know not to try to change your partner, but if you’re like 90 percent of people, you can’t help trying, just a little. But your efforts generally make matters worse: research shows the more people try to change their partners, the less happy both become with the relationship, and the more the “target” moves away from the other’s ideal. At times, most of us would like to be able to control others: to cause someone to love us, or to make someone behave better, or to get them to leave us alone. Unfortunately, it is impossible for any of us to truly control another person. What many people have a tendency to forget is that we have total power to control ourselves, and that if we use this power effectively, we can influence others quite a bit. The Power of Response In relationships, most of the interactions are responses. That is, you do something, (stimulus) I respond to what you do (response); you respond to my response, I respond to your response, you respond to my response to your response, and so on. There are a few original actions or statements, and all the rest are reactions. This means that, if you control your actions and your responses, you control a great deal of the relationship. Your partner and others will usually respond according to what you do. For a simple illustration of this, imagine I walk into the room, see you, and say, in a disgusted tone of voice, “Oh. It’s you;” sounding not very pleased to see you. How would you feel, and how would the rest of our interaction go? Now, imagine that I walk into the room, see you, and say, “How nice to see you” in a really pleased tone, with a big smile. How would you feel then, and how would our interaction go? Obviously, we are much more likely to have an easy, comfortable time with each other in the second example; because, my initial action (being glad to see you) set up a better series of responses than if I were obviously not glad to see you. This simple metaphor illustrates a profound fact. Anyone who is willing to do the work necessary to control his or her emotions, reactions and responses, can control the vast majority of a relationship. We often don’t realize how much our reactions contribute to a partner’s behavior. If your partner is angry, for example, and begins to yell, but you remain calm and quiet and just remain there, obviously listening but not reacting, your partner will “run out of steam” and stop yelling quite quickly, because it feels very uncomfortable to yell if no one is yelling back or cowering, or creating more drama. If you take care to speak to your partner and your family in positive, loving ways, and address them directly with kindness, you’ll find that very soon they will all begin to be more kind and considerate of you. By controlling your own behavior, you’ll influence theirs more than nagging and criticizing ever could. Planting Seeds A very effective technique, sometimes referred to as “planting seeds” is to mention something important to you, and then drop it. “What do you think about getting a new refrigerator?” Or, “Don’t you think we should plan a vacation?” Just that one sentence, delivered casually. Your partner may not respond right away, but very often will come back to you with this idea, which your partner has now owned and thinks it’s their idea. I do think it’s worth while to tell your partner what bothers you, and negotiate about it. The key is not to insult, hurt or demean your partner by what you say, but to communicate pleasantly. “Dear, when we’re watching TV together, and you suddenly channel surf, it startles me. Could you check with me before you do it?” Or, “Honey, I’m not comfortable with our division of labor. Can we talk about it and work out a different system?” This way, you’re not accusing the other person of being inconsiderate or lazy, you’re just working out the logistics of a problem. Remember, you got together because you found each other’s traits refreshing and endearing. Living together and being with these endearing traits on a 24/7 basis can make them seem less desirable. However, you can work out some agreements so you don’t irritate each other, but only if you approach it in a neutral way, requesting communication. Arguing about who’s right and who’s wrong doesn’t work. How to get your partner to talk with you: 1. Don’t talk, listen. One partner is usually less verbal than the other, and when we verbal ones get nervous, we tend to talk and talk. Resist the impulse, and give the less verbal person room and time to talk. 2. Don’t be worried about a little silence—let the less talkative one fill it. 3. When you do talk, end your (brief) story with a question: “What do you think?” or “Was it like that for you?” That invites your partner to answer. 4. Treat the conversation like a tennis match: say something, then give the other person a chance to respond… take your time. 5. No complaining—count your blessings, and say positive things. Your partner will respond better to that. Learning Self-Control Maintaining this type of attitude is a lot easier to describe than it is to do. Self-control is not easy. In the face of your partner’s actions, it’s difficult not to react. Learning to stop and think, to respond thoughtfully and carefully rather than quickly and automatically, is hard. However, mastering self-control, no matter how difficult, is always worthwhile, because it makes every moment of your life easier. Using Self Talk If learning self-control is difficult for you, one of the most powerful tools you can use to change is self-talk. We all have a running dialog in our heads, which often is negative or self-defeating. The good news is that you can choose to replace this negative monologue with something more positive. The brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you’ve heard over and over. If your self-talk feels “naturally negative,” you may be creating a self-fulfilling identity, which saps your ability to choose your responses. One thing you can do is to monitor your self-talk: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, changing them can indeed lift your spirits and your optimism. Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait: your hearing, and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier, calmer person. If, on the other hand, you’re a party animal: social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset. Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do in every case to increase your level of optimism, even if you can’t change who you are. Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a “what’s the use” attitude, which leads to depression and a cranky attitude, which doesn’t work well in relationship to others or in marriage. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress. To become aware of self-inflicted stress, first listen to what you’re saying to yourself. If there is a constant stream of negativity, it will create stress; just as being followed around by someone who’s constantly carping on you would be stressful. Also, if you’re fighting with yourself and not able to come to a solid idea of what you want; you’ll have a hard time making decisions, and your stress will increase. Dysfunctional relationship patterns also are stress-building. For example, if you are constantly guilt-tripped by someone else, or you and your spouse fight, or you are too worried about others’ opinions of who you are and what you’re doing, you’ll be a lot more stressed than if you know how to get along with others, when to listen and when to trust yourself. Most of my clients don’t realize that they are responsible for their own feelings, and no one else is responsible for making them feel better, until they learn this. Creating a Happy Relationship Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship if they stop reacting and learn to respond thoughtfully. As an individual you have ideas and beliefs about how certain things in life should be handled, and so does your partner; and we all tend to assume everyone, especially a person who loves us, will see it our way. During dating, you two may have felt that you agreed with each other on everything. But, after you began living together things changed. You were probably shocked when you realized the object of your affections, your dream come true, the Prince or Princess Charming you fell in love with had different ideas about how life, love, home, finances and children should be. In over forty years of counseling, I’ve spent many hours teaching couples the techniques and information that will allow them to communicate and solve problems, rather than fight endlessly about the same things. In thirty-eight years of marriage, I’ve also learned from my own experience that there’s a big difference between the skills and attitudes one needs to date and fall in love, and what is needed to make married life, home and family work smoothly. There’s a difference between being lovers and being partners, and on top of all that, keeping enough romance and fun alive to make it all feel worthwhile. Those of us who succeed are the blessed ones, the happy ones, and you can be, too. When you learn to view your relationship as a partnership, rather than a challenge or a competition, you’ll discover new ways to think about sharing and working together to make all your decisions about mutual ones. With a little information and practice, you can stop fighting become a successful, happy couple. Establishing a mutually beneficial partnership will cause you to feel blessed and happy. Solving instead of Struggling According to researcher John Gottman and several other studies, couples who can solve problems successfully together tend to have relationships that last. If you’ve been through a tough time together, then you’re probably frustrated, hurt and anxious. This erodes your patience and reasonableness with each other, and makes it difficult to think clearly. Successful couples don’t have any special magic. By trial and error, through counseling, books, and talking to other couples, they figure out how to create a relationship that works. To create a working partnership, you need to teach each other how understand one another, so you can get along. When you’re working together or spending time with each other, instead of complaining, criticizing or resenting each other, try asking each other what you’re thinking about the situation. “I think it would work better to do this… what do you think?” If you listen to each other, and focus on sharing what you know, you’ll grow in understanding and teamwork. Most partners would rather have each other’s company than do it all alone, especially if what you’re doing is new, and if it’s companionable company. The best way to end the “who is supposed to do what” argument is to do it (or at least work it out) together and make it fun. A smart partner will make this as easy as possible: make it fun, affectionate, and focus on becoming a team. Rather than figure out who’s right, couples need to focus on what works, and find ways to motivate each other to work together. Celebration + Appreciation = Motivation Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation. When partners get frustrated, they have a tendency to complain to and criticize each other rather than appreciate each other. If you give in to your urge to criticize, you’ll mortally wound your marriage. If you want to motivate each other, you need to share as much appreciation and celebration as possible. Work with each other, thank each other, and make doing the work as much fun as possible. You Can Stop Fighting If you’ve had a difficult time with each other, I’m sorry, and I know you’re frustrated, but if you will renew your patience, start working together to fix the problems, and give the information and exercises in this book a couple of months, you will see results. Most of the couples I counsel succeed in fixing their problems, and you can, too. If you’re looking for a solution, that’s a big step toward success. When you learn how to change focus from fighting to developing the ability to talk about what is going on and focus on solving the problem, which leaves a lot more time for having fun and getting things done. Any willing couple can learn to build a happy relationship; and so can you. ©2020 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” and offers courses at GenerousMarriage.com. Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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