Romance books are a lovely escape from reality, and can help reduce your stress from daily frustrations. And, you can even learn a few tricks to enhance your relationship. However, if you begin to believe in the fantasy, compare your real-life partner to a fictional character, you could become dissatisfied and feel unfulfilled. One of the attractive things about romance heroes is that they do all the work, but in a real-life relationship with a real partner, you probably have to get the ball rolling and let them know what you want.

Our culture is saturated with unrealistic depictions of love, relationship and family. From celebrity debacles to overblown movie romances, as well as highly exaggerated depictions and expectations about beauty, romance and sex, the media is bombarding us with images and ideas that are the exact opposite of what works in marriage. Observe celebrities: how long do their marriages last, and how happy are they really?

When your expectations for what marriage entails are overblown, you can become disappointed and discouraged. Successfully married couples have a more realistic idea that marriage won’t be ideal, and partnership and mutual love are things that you need to work on, to build over a number of years. If you are loving and caring with each other, you have a better chance of success in your relationship.

Creating Romance
Most couples who come to my counseling practice because of problems report that their marriage lost its romance long ago. It’s easy to feel romantic when you live separately and date each other, because every moment spent together is special. From the moment you begin to live together, such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, cleaning and maintenance, paying bills, or going to work. Although this can be new, exciting and fun at first, as soon as the initial newness of living together wears off, such everyday things cease to feel exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner no longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you.

All long-term couples need to learn about transitions and reconnecting. It’s not easy to get from taking out the garbage to having sex; much less being apart to being affectionate. Time alone is essential; as are little affectionate touches and looks beforehand. If you have children, you can still get close emotionally while they are awake and around, and then move that further to physical affection after the children are asleep or away from home. Develop signals and learn to be complementary and caring; it will go a long way toward getting your partner in the mood. Greeting each other with a big hug, and saying “Boy, have I missed you” is a good start. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed.

It’s very important to romance each other from time to time, to keep the juice flowing in a long-term relationship. Make your partner feel good to be around you. Be fun to be with and tease them a little. But, don’t hang all over your partner, don’t act like an overeager puppy. We all want to know we won’t be rejected, but we also want to work a bit to achieve the goal. If you really want to enhance your relationship, show interest, then hold back a little and let your partner make the next move. Backing off and playing the waiting game is the hardest part, but if you don’t do it, your partner will lose interest.

Spend time with some other friends. Seeing you having a good time with your friends makes you very attractive to your partner. Share activities you both enjoy; time together doing something fun also makes you attractive. Good grooming counts. Your clean body scent will turn your partner on when you’re close. It’s one of the things you probably found attractive about each other when you first met. If you go camping, climbing, fishing, hunting etc. with your guy, don’t be too timid about it. To turn up the heat a little in your relationship, try learning something together. Working together compatibly to accomplish something is very endearing.

Make dinner together, and clean up after as a team: while you’re doing that, put some romantic music on, and maybe dance around a little. If you wind up slow dancing in the kitchen, that’s very sexy and romantic. Flirting is the art of letting your partner know you’re interested in subtle ways, but not being too obvious. Look each other in the eyes, smile and compliment each other. You’ll want to help each other more, and spend more time together. Just keep the tease going, hold back a little, because if you become too easy to be around, you’ll lose value in your partner’s eyes. In 37 years of a great marriage, I’ve found it’s very helpful to be just a little hard to get from time to time. It keeps the relationship exciting and fun.

You have to find a common ground that works with each other. Your guy probably won’t be romanced by being invited to a chick flick, or going shopping for clothes. Your gal won’t necessarily be turned on by working on cars, or fixing a screen. Those are things you’ll be willing to do with you because you are committed, because you love each other.

How to have a romantic relationship “date night”

In a long term relationship, it’s often helpful to bring back the spark by having a special night together. Here are some suggestions:

1. You can repeat some of the things you did when you were first dating: go back to the first place you met, watch a DVD (complete with popcorn) of the first movie you saw together (which may seem silly now, but laughing together is a great way to get close), go out for lunch at the little café near your old job, or wander through the park.

2. Try water. There’s something very soothing and seductive about water. Do a tour of fancy fountains where you live, and if you can find a restaurant with a water feature, go there. Or, order a catered picnic and eat it during a ferry ride, or enjoy it on a warm evening at the beach, complete with wine. Here in Southern California, we have gondola rides, complete with a singing gondolier, and an optional repast. You can get a catered lunch from a fancy caterer or from your local hamburger joint.

3. If your town attracts tourists, do what you’d do if you were a tourist there. See a show, have dinner in a nice hotel with cocktails afterward in the piano bar, or see the attractions, museums, the aquarium, open house night at the art galleries, dinner at a sidewalk café. If there’s a great outdoor site: a ski lift (scenic even in summer) a botanical garden, a beautiful lake or a zoo, spend some time there. Some towns even still have drive-in movies: the most romantic date ever!

4. Look for local talent: Search out the small theaters; comedy clubs, college events and speakers, even high school plays and sports. The energy in these less-commercial places will inspire you and give you a lot to talk about.

5. Ask your friends: canvass your friends to find their favorite things to do, and try those. If friends like cricket or soccer, and you’ve never seen it, try going with them so they can explain it to you. If they have a fave restaurant, or hideaway, try that.

Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences; The Real 13th Step; How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina