HOW TO MOVE ON AFTER A BREAKUP OR DIVORCE We all go into relationships with hope and love, wanting them to last forever, but it’s not easy, and it isn’t always possible. If you are going through a breakup or a divorce, I know it’s painful. These tips will help you minimize the pain and maximize the healing of your journey. How to move on emotionally after a split 1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it’s over, don’t waste time in resentment and anger, it’s self-destructive. Let go. Do your grieving, cry, journal, and talk about alone, or with a trusted friend. Have a “letting go” ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life. Put reminders away for a while. 2. Don’t hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what’s lost (even if you’re the one who left, you’ve lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future. 3. Take care of yourself financially—a good lawyer can help you fight for your rights. You’ll feel a lot less resentment if you get your fair share of the assets. 4. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you—you need support. Don’t isolate. You don’t have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don’t think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They’ll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you. How to Handle Losing a Love DO put it in perspective If you’re dumped, it hurts, but count your lucky stars. You can’t have a relationship if the other person’s not really interested in doing their part. If you left, then you must have felt that nothing was working. DO understand that there were problems already It’s never easy to find out that your relationship, long or short, is over. Once bonded, even if the relationship is terrible, both men and women have trouble breaking away. So if you’ve broken up, one or both of you really wanted out. DON’T idealize a bad relationship In counseling people who broke up, every client realized the warning signs that were ignored early in the relationship. Don’t pick out the few good moments you remember and ignore what wasn’t working. DO try to learn from the experience After the initial upset, review the dynamics of the relationship and analyze what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you learned. There’s no need to give yourself a hard time about it, just process the information, so you don’t repeat mistakes. DON’T expect closure from your ex. It is lovely when two civilized grown-ups can dissect what happened in the relationship, tell the truth, ask for forgiveness and absolve each other. But this usually happens years later. Closure requires getting truthful answers to your questions about what happened—to understand why. After a breakup, both of you are upset, hurt, and guilty and probably won’t be telling the truth, even if you understand it. Neither of you really wants to hear the truth this soon. Longing to talk “just once more” to your ex is just asking for pain. How to get over the drama 1. Swear off guilt: Guilt is like time payments you can keep suffering forever. Instead, do the grieving you need to do, figure out how you helped create the problems (or stayed around for them) and decide to change what didn’t work before. Grieve all you need, but don’t exaggerate your feelings. 2. Don’t assign blame: If you blame your ex, you’ll eventually turn that blame on yourself. So, instead of blaming, find some more neutral things to say “We saw things differently.” “We had some good years, then things changed.” If there’s “another woman” don’t blame her either. Everyone’s just trying to survive this difficult situation, including you and including her. 3. Focus on re-building your life. Drama is not practical—it’s a negative fantasy. Focus on the practical things you need to do and think. Get your emotional, personal and financial life together as soon as you can. Think about all the things you’ve been freed up to do, and do some of them. Try things you would never have done before, or things you’ve always wanted to do. As Gatsby said “Living well is the best revenge.” Use the energy from your anger and grief, and channel them into doing things just for you. Try out for that local theater, take dancing lessons or an art class, learn to scuba dive, plant a garden. All of those things will keep you focused on the present and the future, instead of the past. Hopefully, these tips will help you move on, let go and heal. You will have another relationship. If you are learning from your history, you’ll never get less. The next relationship will be better, and you will be a better partner because you learned from this one. Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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