HOW TO SHARE FEELINGS IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP It’s not always easy to express your feelings when you’re close to someone. This may sound paradoxical, but the closer you are to someone, the more you care, the more concerned you can become that you’ll do something to mess it up. Sharing your feelings, especially if they’re frustrated, angry, or resentful, can feel very chancy. Even sharing feelings of deep love or vulnerability can be frightening. All emotions are important in relationships, not just the loving ones. If there’s a problem brewing, you need to find out as early as possible, or share your feelings as soon as possible. Don’t let things fester, unsaid. They grow out of proportion that way. Healthy couples need to be able to talk about feelings, and it’s not always easy for both partners. If your partner is not good at understanding their feelings, go slowly. You’ll need to help them. Here are some tips on sharing your feelings effectively without creating opposition. First, have a conversation with yourself about what you’re feeling and what you want to say about it. Keep working through it until you’re clear. In my experience with my clients, they get into communication problems when trying to express their feelings because they’re not really sure what they feel. Consequently, they say something vague, and it’s misinterpreted, and it’s easy for that to go wrong. If you’re tried sorting out what you feel, and you’re still confused, say that. Say. “I’ve got mixed (or confused) feelings, but I want to share them with you. May I?” At least that gives your partner a chance to understand the confusion better. Once you’re clear what you’re feeling, just say it, directly, and as kindly as you can. Use “I” messages (“I feel hurt” rather than “you hurt me”) Once you’ve said how you feel, give your partner a chance to respond, and remember they are just hearing this for the first time. Listen carefully to the response, because if you are clear about what your partner is saying, the conversation will go better. Don’t get so focused on your own feelings that you forget your partner has feelings, too. To help your partner share their feelings, be sure you listen carefully. Listening in a kind and supportive way invites sharing. If something tells you your partner has feelings you should know about, say it. Say, “You’re looking tense, do you want to talk about it?” But be prepared for the answer, it may be hard for you to hear it. If you feel triggered, try not to react. Instead say, “Tell me more.” When you fully understand what your partner is saying, it won’t be as upsetting. Allow your feelings to be yours, don’t project them out, assuming your partner feels the same thing. Conversely, allow your partner their feelings, too. Don’t argue with them, try to understand them. Even if your partner is angry at you, you don’t have to get defensive. Keep saying “tell me more” or asking questions about what they mean, until you really understand it. Then, hopefully, you’ll get to share your own feelings about the issue, or explain any confusion between what you feel and what your partner thinks. Learning to share and understand each other’s feelings will pave the way for a much smoother, conflict free relationship. Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. . She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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