HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST Narcissists lack impulse control, and a sense of responsibility, because emotionally they’re stuck at the narcissistic stage children go through about 2 years old. So, you’re dealing with an emotional two-year-old in a grownup body. A man with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, may be dishonest and narcissistic. What about the man who is mistakenly confident: that is, he’s sure he’s great, but your experience is, he’s an emotional dud? This man is most likely self-involved, and doesn’t have much empathy or concern for others. His braggadocio may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. If he’s often enraged, he lacks impulse control, and a sense of responsibility, because he’s a narcissist. Perhaps a Narcissistic woman lives in a fantasy world; ignoring the consequences of her actions, which is a definition of emotional immaturity. She may be a woman with lots of charm, who says exactly what you want to hear, but is really dishonest and self-centered. This woman is most likely self-involved, and doesn’t have much empathy or concern for others. Her charm flair may conceal a very wounded soul, along with an alcohol, drug or gambling problem. She often re-interprets reality to fit her fantasy. She offers sex; but doesn’t always deliver. She uses sex to manipulate people. A narcissist: • Thinks he/she is superior; you’ll hear a lot about how the Narcissist is right and someone else is wrong. Eventually, you’ll be the one who is wrong. • Expects admiration and attention (while offering little or none). Every conversation becomes about the Narcissist, always saying how great they are. • Is arrogant and full of self-aggrandizing beliefs: quite likely to say unrealistic or unbelievable things; the Narcissist believes them, so they sound true. • Lacks true empathy but can fake it convincingly (for awhile): Knows what to say to win you over, but doesn’t mean it. The Narcissist may rush the relationship with promises of a future: but later you realize they are lies. There may be constant texting, emailing, phone calls; excessive romancing/hard sell courtship? Male Narcissists promise romance, females promise sex. Even after you get involved the constant contact may continue as this is a form of control. On closer examination, you may notice he/she is actually not capable of true intimacy, love, emotional bonding, or a reciprocal and fulfilling relationship. They can’t control the lying and they aren’t reliable. You are always to blame; he/she is always the innocent victim. Friends and acquaintances will tell stories of how many people have been in love with him/her, and yet all the relationships ended the same way. It may take a while to figure out the truth, as his/her version will be highly fictionalized. Narcissists target intelligent, attractive, successful people to feed their insecure egos. There’s a high need for ego-stroking. Narcissists sound arrogant (and they are) but they are also massively insecure. Narcissists are also prone to depression and anxiety; They have a developmentally stunted emotional level? Despite early signs to the contrary, a narcissist cannot maintain the pretense of being a real grown-up for long because they are emotionally stuck at around 2 1/2 years old. Long-term partners of narcissists lose their sense of who they are. They give up on ever being cherished or valued or loved. They spend all their time navigating the mine-field that is their relationship, and no matter how good they are at it, things blow up on a regular basis ©2022 Tina B. Tessina excerpted from It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids.. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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