HOW TO STOP HAVING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS How much noise is in your head? And would you like to get rid of it? Most of us are infected with negative memes, or phrases that act like viruses, early in life. Because we are not taught mental hygiene, or how to clear our minds of negativity and automatic thoughts, we don’t have the tools to become aware of the negativity (which floats through our minds just below the level of conscious thought) and therefore we can’t combat it. Becoming Aware To hear what’s going on in your ongoing inner dialog, you need to create a quiet space: shut off music, TV, chatter, podcasts and whatever else you’ve been using to mask your own mind. Spend some time, just a few minutes a day, just listening to what’s going on in that mind of yours. If you’re reluctant to do something, listen for the negative thinking that is discouraging you. “it’s too hard” “it won’t work” “I’ll screw it up” “I’m not worth it.” If you are feeling uncomfortable with the silence, sink deeper into it, and look for the thoughts that are making you uncomfortable “No one really cares about me.” “I’m too (fat, lazy, stupid, angry)” “I don’t like myself” “I’ll never be loved” “It’s too hard.” This is often a somewhat emotionally uncomfortable process, but to counteract the negative thinking, you need to know what it is, and learn to be aware of it. Here are some tools and tricks you can use to strengthen your thought awareness: • Journaling (writing down your thoughts) can be very helpful in pinning them down. When they’re not free-floating, they’re easier to understand and sort out. • Listening (paying attention to what you are thinking, instead of trying to “let it go” as in meditation) to yourself is a great habit to build; because among those negative thoughts can be great ideas, intuition, and inspiration, if it’s not being drowned out. • Remembering (thinking back to the history of your negative thoughts) who said it to you or about you? You weren’t born thinking negatively. You learned it somewhere. Did you have a parent who was negative about him or herself? Was someone in your past critical or abusive toward you? Did you pick it up from bullies at school? Is it a result of trying to deny who you were to fit in? • Counteracting (turning each negative thought into a positive, writing down the positive thought and repeating it over and over like a chant, every day.) This is the way out of negativity, and the reason for doing all the painful research. For example: Counteract “it’s too hard” with “I can do this; I’ve done other things that are harder.” Counteract “It won’t work” with “I’m smart, I can figure this out, and I can ask for help if I need it.” Counteract “I’m not worth it” with “I am a human being, as valuable as everyone else.” “I value myself” As you practice becoming aware of your self-criticism and counteracting it, you’ll find that you become less tense, more self-assured and happier. It’s a gradual process. For more about this, read It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. It’s full of exercises, information and examples of how to become aware of negative thinking and valuable tools for influencing the subconscious and changing a negative mindset. Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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