HOW TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER Sex is important to a marriage. A satisfying sexual life will do more to cement the security of your relationship than anything else. Be careful not to downgrade the importance of sex, be sure your communication about sexual issues is open, and be prepared to learn long-term sexual skills, which are different from pre-marital or newlywed sex. Sex is a great way to comfort each other, to reassure each other, and to heal emotional rifts. You can make it good for the life of your marriage, if you know how. Both genders have problems with differences in sex drives. It’s normal to have different timing, but men tend to demand sex, rather than find out what would make their women want it. Women tend to avoid sex rather than teach their men how to turn them on (the little romantic things) Men get forceful, women get avoidant. Differences in frequency can be handled by discussing your sexual preferences, and introducing options, like masturbation, into your sexual routine to balance your frequencies. In long term relationships it can be helpful for a woman “finish herself” through masturbation (with or without toy) in front of her partner, if she hasn’t had an orgasm. In the first place, it’s educational: it shows him what she needs. In the second place, it’s likely to turn him on. Why do you think they put all those scenes of women masturbating in porn movies? Many men like to watch, it’s exciting for them. Third, she’ll be a lot happier if she takes responsibility for being satisfied, instead of putting all the work on him. Making honesty OK is the key to achieving sexual understanding. The only attitude that works is this one: “I may not like what you tell me, I may have trouble hearing it, but I will still love you, and we will work together to come to an agreement that works.” Most couples who come to my counseling practice because of problems report that their marriage lost its romance long ago. It’s easy to feel romantic when you live separately and date each other, because every moment spent together is special. From the moment you begin to live together, such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, washing dishes, paying bills, or going to work. Although this can be new, exciting and fun at first, as soon as the initial newness of living together wears off, such everyday things cease to feel exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner no longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you. All long-term couples need to learn about transitions and reconnecting. It’s not easy to get from taking out the garbage to having sex—much less being apart to being affectionate. Time alone is essential—as are little affectionate pats and looks beforehand. If you have children, you can still get close emotionally while they are awake and around, and then move that further to physical affection after the children are asleep or, if you’re both home, after they go to school. Many couples come to me with sexual differences, differences in style, frequency and ideas of what’s OK and what’s not. You may find the following guidelines helpful: Guidelines for Creating a Sexual Agreement: • Set up a problem-solving session: • Having a time to talk about sex will help you create trust and sexual openness which makes finding solutions much easier. • Begin with reassurance and good will, reminding each other of your love and of your desire that your sexual relationship be fulfilling for both of you. • Remember, underneath your anxiety, frustration and struggle, each of you is longing for the other to care about what you want, and to understand you. • If you have difficulty talking to each other about this, read these guidelines aloud and follow them step-by-step. This is a prime opportunity to improve all the communication in your relationship and get you out of being stuck. • Remind each other, “I love you, I want our relationship to be good for both of us” • Share your wants, needs, and ideas: Be honest about your sexual needs. Your partner may feel more like you do about sex than you think; but you’ll never know that unless you’re willing to express your own feelings and listen to him or her. • Being honest means not only telling the truth; but also being willing to hear the truth from each other. Making honesty OK is the key to achieving sexual understanding. The only attitude that works is this one: “I may not like what you tell me, I may have trouble hearing it, but I will still love you, and we will work together to come to an agreement that works.” You can open a talk about sex like this: “How would you feel if we talked about sex?” (Be prepared for a silly or bawdy answer—you know your spouse: how will he or she react?) Then, after listening to the response carefully, and waiting until you both settle down a bit, say “I’ve been having a problem lately” then describe what YOUR problem is: “when you touch me like that; I feel like this.” or “I feel rejected” or “It feels like you don’t want me anymore.” Don’t couch it in critical terms: NOT: “You touch me too hard” or “You never want to have sex any more.” It will be easier for your partner to hear if it comes from your experience and feelings. If it’s just that you want to be touched a little differently, say: “You know what would turn me on?” then describe it. You can also ask during sex “Please touch me here” “Do it harder (or gentler)” “More, please” As long as your lovemaking doesn’t become a string of requests and suggestions, it will be OK. I often recommend erotic literature or videos for my clients who need a bit of a boost, sexually. • In long-term relationships, it’s often not easy to transition from work, household chores and parenting to sex. Reading passages from erotic lit aloud can help get the mood started. • Couples often feel a bit shy about requesting sex, so having a ritual such as reading together can make it easier. “Let’s snuggle and read together” or “Shall I read to you tonight?” is often easier to say and better received than “I want sex.” • Erotic literature can often give you some new things to try to spice up your routine. While you may not want to actually bring out the whips, just teasing each other “If you’re not good, I’ll spank you” can do the trick. Of course, whatever you do needs to be consensual. • Role playing is often a way to add some fun and spice to your routine, and to escape for a while from your everyday life, and you can find scenes and characters in books that give you material. • Honest talks about sex are a great lubricant and can help you revive a flagging relationship. If you read a story and can say to your partner “I wish you felt that way about me” or “This is my sex fantasy” you can create needed changes in a dull routine. Masturbation can be very healthy within a relationship. If you bring it out into the open, it can help a couple bridge a gap between sexual frequency desires. The person who wants sex less often can just hold a partner who’s masturbating. You can do mutual masturbation, or simultaneous masturbation to liven up your sex life. In fact, mutual masturbation is often part of foreplay. You can watch your partner masturbate to get turned on. Women often have better orgasms masturbating before intercourse. If you open up your conversation, you’ll have lots of options. Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina
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