INTIMACY, PRIVACY, AND PERSONAL SPACE In intimate relationships, we usually think of love as a central dynamic; but power is also a tremendously important component. In relationships we can learn skills that give us more power to get our needs met and we can gain understanding that gives us more power to get along with the other people involved. Personal Space vs. Closeness Personal space is different for each person. It is the emotional and physical room you need to be comfortable. We all know when we don’t have enough: when we feel crowded, pressured, and uncomfortable. Intimacy can be compared to food and shelter, because we need it as much, but just as with food and shelter, no one needs it all the time and some people need more than others. As human beings, we have both a need to belong and a need to be unique. We want to be accepted, to belong, and we also want to be special, and recognized as different. These needs often appear to conflict as we search for the balance point between them. It’s often surprising to realize that the intimacy that comes with a relationship can be a problem. You or your partner can easily feel stress or pressure about too much closeness and not enough separateness. If you feel you have to cater or be nice to your partner all the time, and put aside what you really want to do (your spouse insists on talking about the relationship when you’d rather just zone out in front of the TV, for example) you’ll feel resentful and want to get away from your partner and the related stress. This problem arises because many of us have hidden ‘rules’ or beliefs about relationships. That is, once we find someone we want to be close to, we feel that we shouldn’t ever want to pull away. So, to protect our personal space, we put up unconscious barriers, behaviors and responses that communicate to others “go away” or “don’t get too close”. Behaving this way, of course, can hurt your partner’s feelings, and create big problems in the relationship. For example, if you pull away and get quiet or cold, and your partner feels pushed away, doesn’t understand it, and panics, then he or she may insist on being reassured by demanding more closeness. This will make your need for space more acute, and you’ll pull away further, and your partner will become more demanding. This whole process can lead to struggling, hurt feelings, and anger; and you may not even understand what you’re fighting about. Your own need for personal space may be a lot different than your partner’s, your child’s or others that you know; your spouse’s personal space can be a lot different from some previous partner’s needs; or the idea of appropriate closeness can be affected by cultural and family styles. For example, eldest or only children usually want more personal space and are more comfortable alone than middle or youngest children or children from big families. This is because eldest/only children are accustomed to spending more time alone than children with lots of siblings. If you were born in a family whose style was very formal; or a culture, like many Asians, who have a great deal of respect for each other’s space (though they often live very close together) then you’ll be horrified if your partner pries into your personal things, walks in on you in the bathroom, reads your mail, asks too many personal questions, or wants a lot of attention. If, instead, you grew up in a close, very informal family, who had a lot of group activities and interactions, you might be quite comfortable with your spouse being very present, asking lots of questions, and wanting to share everything with you. Whatever amount of closeness or distance is comfortable for you, even if it’s different from your partner’s preference, is OK. There is no right or wrong amount of personal space. The problems that arise are created when couples don’t recognize it is natural and normal to be different in personal space requirements. If one of you thinks there’s a ‘rule’ about how close a couple should be, or how much privacy one should have, and the two of you differ, then struggles can arise. Understanding your own need for personal space can greatly ease, and even eliminate, this problem. For example, if you are able to explain your needs for space and privacy and to understand your partner’s you may be surprised to find out how different your needs are, and the two of you will have a much better chance of working out agreements that allow you to meet each other’s needs. If personal space differences are creating problems, they can be fixed through understanding and communication. There are many creative ways to meet different needs, and by acknowledging and meeting each other’s needs your relationship will be strengthened. For example: • If your partner needs more alone time than you do, you can go out for dinner with friends (or join a club, work late, go to the gym or to choir practice) one or two nights a week, while your partner stays home. • If your partner wants to discuss the relationship a lot, and you don’t like to, you can agree to half-hour discussions of the relationship once a week, which will honor your partner’s need for discussion, and has a limit you can manage. • If you want lots of friends and family around, and your partner is uncomfortable with groups: you can negotiate to spend some time alone with your family, or have your family over when your partner isn’t home, or you can even be in the living room with everyone while your partner cooks, barbeques, or makes the drinks and keeps some distance. Accepting that you and your spouse may have differing needs for personal space, learning to identify your own needs and communicate them, and finding out about your partner’s needs gives you the information that makes it possible to use the power of personal space to help, rather than hurt, your relationship. © 2019 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together http://tinyurl.com/zbe63u9 Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina
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