IS IT LOVE? So many of my clients ask me: “How do I know if it’s love?” I thought I’d discuss it here today. Since different people have different definitions about what falling in love is, I doubt if anyone can adequately explain the process, because there is not one process. New love usually involves hormones such as endorphins. However, when there’s been a traumatic experience or difficult childhood or past relationship, some people confuse fear with love, and that is a different process involving the “fight or flight” part of the brain, called the amygdala. Some common characteristics of growing closer start with attraction, which as I’ve said can be problematic if one’s life experiences have been difficult. After attraction, if things go well, there’s a developing interest in getting to know each other. Many initial attractions don’t evolve beyond this point. Third, there should be developing trust in each other, which is based on mutual respect and mutual reliability. At that point, the couple will probably be thinking about spending all their time together, and that making a commitment would be a good idea. Clients often want a timeline for falling in love, but I don’t think that falling in love is a concrete process. Hopefully, it involves several stages, like meeting, getting to know one another, courtship, then commitment. But even after commitment, one’s feeling of being in love changes. Over my 40 years of marriage, my feelings have deepened and matured continuously. My clients want to know how they can be sure it’s love. My advice always is: Take your time. Be suspicious of your early excitement, it’s easy to be fooled by surface attraction. Make sure the person you’re attracted to walks their talk. Get to know their friends; friends will usually give you inside information about your attraction’s past dating habits, past relationships, and reliability. Introduce your friends to your attraction. If your friends are good friends, they will give you a less biased opinion than your own. If all this checks out, and your attraction has kept their promises and been reliable, and you get along well together, then you have a basis for love. It usually takes several months to have any idea if this is a viable love match or not. When should you act on this feeling? I advise caution. If you give your emerging relationship time to go through all the steps, you’ll have enough information to confess that you’re having feelings for your date. If the confession is mutual, and your date also has feelings, you can take the step of deciding to be exclusive with each other. Until you both promise that, you won’t know if your date is ready for commitment. You are bound to have doubts. Respect them, but don’t be afraid of them. If you have doubts, check them out. Pay attention to your doubts, and don’t let your feelings of attraction gloss over your questions. Especially if you’ve been lonely for a while, you may be subject to wishful thinking, and if you don’t check out your doubts, you’ll risk being brokenhearted. Have a conversation with yourself, to be clear on what your doubts are, especially if they come from your own past experiences. Then have a conversation with your prospective partner. If there’s anything you’re afraid to ask, be sure to ask it. If you can’t talk honestly with your partner, you won’t be able to build a healthy relationship. If you’re worried about something like your partner’s drinking or money habits, or issues with your or your partner’s children, talk about it. If your doubts come from your own history, such as a parent or a previous partner with drinking or money issues, tell your current partner. You can’t spend a lifetime with someone you don’t trust. “If I have butterflies and weak knees, is that a symptom of anxiety or love?” is an excellent question. Yes, butterflies and weak knees are exciting, but they may be danger signs as well. They definitely aren’t love. They can be signs of passion or limerence, which is infatuation or obsession. They are not love, which is a more mature emotion balanced with respect, trust and mutual caring. Here are examples of symptoms that are associated with falling in love but actually aren’t: • The aforementioned weak knees and butterflies are two reactions associated with falling in love that are false: They’re hormonal reactions which indicate passion, attraction or obsession, but not love. Attraction is hormonal, triggered by scent. While it could be a good indicator that your genes are compatible, it has no connection with clear thought, like whether the person is honorable, reliable or caring. • Obsession (constant mooning about the person). • Relief (at last I found someone who loves me!) and • Defensiveness, if anyone points out potential problems with the prospective partner. These are all more warning signs than indicators of falling in love. If you have allowed emotions and hormones to take over, and you’re not thinking clearly, you don’t have all the components of love. Don’t let your anxiety get you in a rush. Just enjoy your interaction with your new connection, don’t make any drastic decisions, like moving in together or getting financially entangled for several months. Give love a chance to blossom, if it’s going to. Keep in mind that if you get fixated on the wrong person, you’re wasting time that you could be using to find a reliable and loving partner. All the hormone-induced excitement will usually fade in a few months; and then you’ll know if you have a viable connection beyond the Limerence. As your relationship progresses, you’ll be able to see if your connection is strong enough to survive the ups and downs of life. You need to know if you can solve problems together, help each other through the tough times, be supportive and supported, and develop mutuality: the kind of caring and thoughtfulness that goes both ways. When you have that, you have love. ©2023 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; The Real 13th Step; How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; Money, Sex and Kids, and her newest, 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
	RETURN TO HAPPINESS TIPS   •  GO TO HOME PAGE
	Phone: (562)438-8077  |  for permission to reprint, email: tina@tinatessina.com All material ©2023 Tina Tessina. All rights reserved.