IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN A RUT? When couples have been together for a while, they tend to fall into a routine, doing the same things, going to the same places, having minimal or no sex, and getting bored and complacent. Relaxing into an established relationship feels great at first, but if you don’t do something to change things up once in a while, you start taking each other for granted, and getting bored. Even your arguments can fall into the same old pattern of blaming and defending, getting nowhere. The first thing you should do if you feel you’re stuck in a rut is talk about it. Don’t complain, that will not get you listened to. Ask if your partner feels the same way, and discuss things you can do to change things up. COVID cautions have made a lot of us feel locked down and trapped. Over an extended period of time, dust and detritus can accumulate in even the best marriage. Spring cleaning, to clear out the cobwebs and re-energize your connection, is a great idea. Just like a regular housework schedule, regular weekly talks (I call them State of the Union discussions) keep the problems minor, the resentment level down, and the communication open, so that there is time and space for intimacy. In a successful, long-term relationship, passion becomes a shared sense of humor and goodwill toward each other. 1. Learn to negotiate and solve problems together. Learning successful problem-solving ends fighting and power struggles, and therefore leads to more intimacy. Learn to focus on what will work, rather than who’s right or wrong. 2. Tidy up your intimacy: Regard your face-to-face time as sacred (it is; it will bless your relationship.) Take time to listen to each other. Touch as often as possible (put your hand on your partner’s leg while driving; give him or her a little squeeze now and then, hug and kiss each other). Create a cuddling space in front of the television, on the porch swing, in your bedroom, and use it. Pillow talk is powerful; use the time in bed together to cuddle up and share thoughts and feelings. Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere. Positive comments on your partner’s looks or the day’s activities positively will also help. Couples disconnect when they don’t feel interested in each other anymore. To reconnect, make an effort to listen and understand each other’s needs and wants. 3. Like shoring up the foundation of your house for earthquake safety, creating a healthy partnership gives your marriage a solid foundation. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues. 4. Wash away old resentments and air out grudges: Talk about what’s bothering you in a calm and rational way. Ask clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it’s important to you. If you can’t find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy your marriage: for the price of one session, before the problem gets too large, you can save it. 5. Shine sunlight on and appreciate the beauty in your environment. Let your partner know you appreciate what he or she does, personality traits, (i.e.: his sense of humor, her generosity, his practicality, her hard work) and companionship. The more you praise what you like, the more you’ll get of it. We all want to be appreciated. Celebration + appreciation = motivation. After this kind of refreshing, hopefully you’ll fall in love all over again. Richard and I have been married since 1982, and while we feel the calm, settled love of a long-time relationship, rather than the excitement of brand-new love, we still are eager to get close to each other whenever we can. I wish the same for you. ©2022 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids.. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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