What do you want in a partner? This may seem to be a simple question, but I see people all the time who say “I don’t know… someone nice.” That kind of description is obviously too vague to be of help in identifying a compatible partner. You would not buy a car or a truck, a new outfit, or even a head of cabbage without knowing what you want. Finding out what you are looking for begins with knowing your self and your own lifestyle. Who do you want? What is important to you? What are the central important issues in your life? Do you value politics, emotional closeness, money, security, religion, spirituality, or personal growth? Do you want your partner to share your priorities, or do you enjoy the challenge of resolving and combining different values? Are you verbally or physically oriented? Are you very social, or do you prefer alone time and one-to-one interaction? The search begins with these questions.

The Know Yourself Exercise
Mentally step back from your life for a moment and look at yourself as objectively as you can. Keep in mind that this is a fact-finding process, not fault-finding. Imagine a typical day in your life and think about what you do: your morning/evening routines, your meals, your work, your play and your general lifestyle. Answer the following questions as though you were being interviewed by a curious reporter.

Waking up:
Mornings are an important time in relationships. We are usually more natural and less rational first thing in the mornings. How you have set up your morning routine says a lot about your personality, and it’s vital information for your potential partner to have. Couples who start off mornings in harmony have a better chance of continuing to enjoy each other through the day.

– Do you like to get up early, take your time, and relax in the morning, or do you cut morning preparation time down to the bare minimum?
– Do you make time to go to the gym or jog?
– Do you meditate?
– Do you turn up the music?
– Do you eat breakfast at home, on the run, or not at all?

Work:
The type of work you do, and how pleased or unhappy you are about your job, says a lot about your likes and dislikes, your strengths and weaknesses, your talents and pet peeves. For example, if you are in a service and people-oriented job, you might be very social and outgoing and want even more people in your private life. Or, if contact with the public is stressful, you may need lots of alone time away from work.

– Once you're up and out, are you off to work, or do you go somewhere and linger over a cup of coffee?
– What kind of work do you do?
– Is it creative, challenging, detail-oriented, or technical?
– Do you work with the public, co-workers, or alone?
– Is teamwork required?
– Do you supervise anyone?

– Promote or sell anything?
– Do you teach?
– Do you like your job or profession?
– If not, what would you rather do?
– If you do like your work, what do you like best about it?

After Work:
After work is the time most couples usually spend together. Here is where you evaluate how much of your time you want to share, what kinds of activities you like to do, and how busy you like to be. Whether you like talking to lots of people at this time, or you like to be alone, or you just want to be with one other person can be very important to know.

– What do you usually do after work? Do you come right home and chill?
– Do you take a nap so you’ll have energy for the evening?
– Are you active: do you run off to classes, meetings or workshops?
– Or are you quiet: do you watch TV, read, take a relaxing bath?

– Do you work out at the gym?
– On week nights, do you like to go out with friends?
– Do you talk to a roommate or on the phone?
– Do you write your novel? Study? Do crafts or household projects?
– For dinner, do you cook a gourmet meal, make something simple, get take out or microwave a frozen dinner?

Weekends:
Ask yourself similar questions about your weekend or day off habits. Are they very different from weekdays, or are they quite similar? Like evenings, weekends are usually considered “couple time”. Look at your current weekend lifestyle to see what activities you will be sharing when you find your partner.

– How do you get up on weekends?
– What is your weekend morning routine like?
– Do you eat differently on weekends; do you eat out more; do you cook more?
– Are you involved in organized activities, like sports, or is your activity more spontaneous?
– Do you go to church?

Review and evaluate:
As you think about this information, analyse it to see what kind of person you are:

– Are you more organized or more freestyle?
– Are you around people a lot by choice? Do you like it?
– Do you spend significant amounts of time alone? Do you like it?
– Do you have pets?
– How much of your time do you spend with friends and family?
– Do you need lots of alone time?

– Do you follow a special diet? Or is food important or not important?
– Are you tolerant or critical? Precise or haphazard?
– Are you very physical? Do you spend lots of time playing sports, at the gym, running, climbing or dancing?
– Do you like to talk? What about?
– Are you very careful about your appearance, or casual about it?
– Are you spiritual or religious? Do you meditate or go to church?

– Will a partner have to like your pet if he or she loves you?
– Do you have children? Do they live with you permanently, or part time? Are they grown? How often are they a part of your life? How close is your relationship with them?
– Are you artistic? Do you often have a creative project?
– Do you have a sport or hobby that consumes lots of time, energy and/or money?
– Is food important to you: Do you like to cook? Dine out?

By now, a picture of yourself is emerging perhaps one you never considered this carefully before. It is easy to get so focused on fantasies of the ideal lover, we often forget to be self-aware. This personality profile is the basis for your search. You need to find another person who fits in your picture.

A good sexual fit is not the only important qualification for a lover; building a successful relationship requires many compatible factors. You are going to share every aspect of your being. How you get up in the morning or go to bed at night, how you spend your free time, and what your lifestyle is account for a far bigger percentage of your life than having sex does. Therefore, these ordinary activities become very important guidelines.

Many of the couples who come to me for counseling are having problems because they didn’t realize how important these differences were, or they thought somehow things would change when they got together. I have witnessed major struggles over smoking, eating habits, sleeping schedules, religious differences, pets, holiday and family traditions, and, last but not least, children from previous relationships. These lifestyle details do not change easily, they’re part of our personality.

Learning to blend your lifestyle traits with your partner’s is a crucial part of creating a healthy relationship. It’s essential for you to know what your style is. You need that information to help you find a lover, to help your lover get to know you better, and to negotiate a lifestyle between you. Finding a lover becomes easier when you know what you want. It will help you know what you’re looking for, and also what information about yourself you’ll want to tell potential lovers, before you get too involved.