MOVING IN TOGETHER People often seek counseling with me after moving in together (after dating for a short time) for the wrong reasons: to be together in crisis, financial problems, problems in the prior living situation, not wanting to be alone, or because someone has lost their lease. Moving in for reasons like that makes it very difficult to develop a good foundation for a lasting relationship. In the excitement of a new relationship, there’s a tendency to rush into things. Slowing it down is a good idea, because it gives you a chance to develop what I call a relationship infrastructure: ways to connect and discuss different topics; transitions from chores to intimacy, money negotiations, dealing with in-laws, friends and colleagues (including entertaining), and getting chores and work done. Developing a good infrastructure increases the odds that the relationship will be successful. Moving into a partner’s home can mean that it never feels like your home. Before you move in together, try to take an objective look at your partner’s living situation and have a discussion about anything you want to change. Couples who already live together can benefit from this kind of discussion, too. One thing that helps is redecorating the place with half your stuff and half your partner’s. Don’t have any hidden agendas for what will happen after you move, talk it all out in advance. Moving in together for the wrong reasons, or without advance planning, can jeopardize the whole relationship; so do it thoughtfully: 1. Make sure you know what your agreement is: Negotiate your living together situation as if you were non-romantic roommates. Before you move in together, discuss what living together means. Is it a commitment? Discuss your lifestyles: is one of you tidier? If one or both of you have children, who gets to discipline? How will you divide the space? If the home belongs to one of you, how will you equalize the living areas? You need to know the answers before the move. 2. Know what to do if there’s trouble: Make some agreements about what to do if you don’t agree on things, or if one of you feels that it’s not working out. You can agree on someone to use as a mediator or counselor. If you’re really excited about each other, this may seem unnecessary, but no matter how much you love each other, you can still get stuck in an impasse. 3. Get clear on your finances: Moving in together automatically makes you financially entangled. Decide beforehand who pays what expenses, and what happens if someone wants to spend more on food than the other. Will you share rent and utilities equally? To slow your relationship down: 1. First, make sure your interactions are balanced. Use the tennis match approach in your early dating; which means you make one phone call, text or gesture, then wait for your partner to respond or initiate a move before making the next one. This balances the energy and investment between you, and ensures that one of you is not doing all the work. It will also slow your interaction down to the slower partner’s rhythm, and you can see whether your partner is as invested as you are. 2. Getting sexual too soon tends to derail the development of other kinds of intimacy, so take your time with having sex, or if you’re already sexual, then make sure all your dates are not about having sex. You need time to communicate, to be social (via phone and video until the virus passes, of course) and to develop activities you like to do together. Cook together, play cards or games with each other and with friends and family, do physical activities like yoga, biking, hiking, dancing, or sports together, go out to movies and other entertainment. Both of you need to know how to socialize together and fill your free time. 3. Socialize with others. Don’t always be alone together. See step 2. 4. Make time for personal maintenance. You’ll probably take care of your body, being clean and groomed, but it’s easy to let all your personal chores lapse. Make time for paying your bills, working, keeping your home and yard clean, doing laundry and getting all your chores done. New love can be a distraction from the daily routines. 5. Limit your dates and time together. Do less texting, fewer phone calls, and take at least a couple nights per week off from seeing each other. Don’t lose your sense of self in this new, exciting relationship. Losing sense of self is what causes people to panic and suddenly fall out of love. 6. Make sure you talk about your interactions, your feelings, hopes and dreams as well as how much you love each other. Discuss the following questions every couple should consider before moving in together or making joint financial commitments: 1. What is your definition of commitment? Whether you know it or not, you and your partner will define your relationship. If you don’t know what your relationship means to both the of you, you risk repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting about what a healthy relationship is. Talk about what you mean by words such as relationship, commitment, love, and faithfulness. You’ll be amazed by what you learn. 2. Have you discussed finances? Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should be pooled, but it usually isn’t that easy. A disparity in income can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income determines your lifestyle. Different financial habits (one likes to save, the other spends more, or doesn’t keep track) can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating your money makes things run smoother; you don’t wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share if your incomes are different. 3. What about household responsibilities? If you’re not yet living together, take a tour of each other’s homes. Drastically different decorating styles, neatness, and organization levels can become sources of argument, and so can housekeeping and chores. If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both of you comfortable. Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner’s established home. You may have trouble feeling as if you “belong” in a home that was previously established by your partner, unless you participate together in reorganizing and redecorating it. 4. How close are you to family or friends? If one of you has a lot of family or friends, and the other does not, find out what those relationships mean. In the future, where will you spend holidays? If there are family members who have problems, such as addiction or mental illness, how much will that impact your relationship? 5. How do you handle anger and other emotions? We all get upset from time to time. If you are usually good at diffusing each other’s anger, and being supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond will deepen as time goes on. If your tendency is to react to each other and make the situation more volatile and destructive, you need to correct that problem before you live together. 6. How do you show love to each other? Sharing what actions and words mean love to you may be surprising. Even if it’s a struggle, discussing how you give and receive love will improve your relationship. You will understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to express your love effectively. 7. How well did you discuss these very questions? Asking yourselves these questions are excellent tests of your ability to define and work out problems. Constructive discussion that leads to a mutually satisfactory solution means you know how to solve problems in your relationship. If not, get counseling before going further. ©2020 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina
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