QUICK FIXES FOR FIGHTING & TIME OUTS In my clinical experience, none of the couples I work with want to fight. However, most couples have difficulty not fighting when they disagree. Symbolic Fights Couples’ fights are often symbolic. You can argue over petty little things, when you’re actually angry about something else: perhaps about sex, power or abandonment issues. Women are more likely to get angry for emotional reasons (jealousy, neglect). Men often get angry about money and lack of sex. Often people enter marriage with a store of anger left over from earlier relationships and childhood, which can be really confusing to both parties. Understanding that what you’re fighting about doesn’t make sense because you’re really upset about something else can help you calm down and understand each other. Try talking to yourself to figure out what you’re actually angry about. Take a Break You may have heard the adage, “Don’t let the sun set on an argument” or “never go to bed angry” but often letting things go for a few hours or one day will give you both a chance to calm down and see things more rationally. If you’re trying to discuss a problem, and you keep arguing, and not getting anywhere, it’s better to take a “time out” and come back to it later. Just don’t drop it forever; work through it. Share Wants To reduce the stress of a problem, discuss what you do and do not want with your spouse, because unmet expectations lead to disappointment and anger. Once you are clear with each other, you’ll be much more able to make a mutually satisfactory decision. Make a habit of having this discussion before facing important decisions. Apology and Forgiveness I’ve encountered many clients who are afraid to admit they’re wrong. This comes from a culture of blaming and accusing; where one’s early family may have picked a “culprit” when something went wrong, and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the hurt. People with such experiences approach every situation as if they’re on trial, and they compulsively try to convince everyone they’re not guilty. They have no patterns to follow for apology and forgiveness. Apology and subsequent forgiveness is stress-releasing, and healthy for the relationship, which turns out to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore healthier for the individuals within them. Dr. Romance’s 4 Steps: How to apologize 1. Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You don’t have to be afraid of punishment or rejection—apologizing makes it easier to be forgiven. 2. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re wrong. This fear comes from a culture of blaming and accusing—where your early family or schoolmates may have picked a “culprit” when something went wrong, and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the hurt. Don’t approach every situation as if you’re on trial, and don’t compulsively try to convince everyone you’re not guilty. Apology and subsequent forgiveness is stress-releasing, and healthy for the relationship, which turns out to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore healthier for the individuals within them. 3. Follow the following pattern for apology: • Admit your mistake: Speak directly to the person to whom you need to apologize. • State what you did (so the person knows you’re aware) • Say you’re sorry • Do a re-take: Describe what change you’ll make to fix it, and so it won’t happen again • Say “I hope you can forgive me.” 4. If that doesn’t work, ask the other person what he or she wants you to apologize for (in case you misunderstood your mistake) Often, the most powerful thing you can do to stop an argument is to take a Time Out: How to Take a Time Out Whenever an argument becomes too heated, and you are aware that you’re saying the same things you’ve said before, things have deteriorated into blaming and defending, or someone is getting very upset, it’s useful to take a time out. This works very much as it does in sports, as in basketball, where everyone can be running full tilt down the court, but someone makes the ldquo;T’ sign with one hand perpendicular to the other, and the action stops immediately. For couples I’m working with who have trouble with fighting and arguing, I often recommend they use the following guidelines for taking a time out. To Call Time Out: 1. Make the “T” sign: When you’re not fighting, agree that if either of you feels an argument is getting out of hand, you’ll make the “T” symbol with your hands, and then, honor your agreement: when one of you says the word, or makes the sign, both of you have to stop talking. 2. Walk away: Giving the signal means both of you agree to stop fighting immediately, and walk away. You can just go to separate rooms, one of you can take a walk or a shower, or just go sit and write out your anger. The point is to get out of each other’s sight for an agreed-upon time. Built into your agreement about time outs is a specific break time. Twenty minutes is usually enough time for both parties to calm down, get past the reactionary anger, and begin to think more rationally. 3. Come back together: After your break, come back together and resume the discussion. It usually works well to make the agreement that the person who called time out will open the discussion again. It’s important to come back to the problem, so the time out process doesn’t become a way to win an argument. You may find it necessary to call time out more than once in a heated argument. Don’t hesitate to do it as often as necessary. It’s better to break up the discussion than to deteriorate into fighting. If you take frequent breaks, you’ll change your pattern from arguing to calmly discussing the problem. Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 45 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 18 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; The Real 13th Step , How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, Money, Sex and Kids; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest, Stop Overthinking. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
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