RELATIONSHIP INFRASTRUCTURE: Roads and Bridges to Smooth Communication We’re hearing a lot about infrastructure these days, and I also talk about infrastructure a lot with the couples I counsel. We all know about physical infrastructure: roads, bridges, railroad tracks and trestles, waterways, transit systems, electrical grids, even airports and train and bus stations. These are the pathways and means for us to navigate the country. Emotional and communication navigation requires pathways, too. I call this Relationship Infrastructure. Every couple (or new friendship or business relationship) begins building these pathways from the first contact: “What is the best way to tell my date that I like him or her, but I don’t like the restaurant we’re in?” “How do I make a good impression with this new person, and what do we have in common?” “How can I tell my partner that my sexual needs have changed?” “How can we talk about the changes in our financial situation?” “How do we share our hopes and dreams for the future?” “How do I tell my partner about my past?” “How do we work it out when we want different things?” Patterns from Early Family In the beginning, our conversational infrastructure is created within our family. It may be dysfunctional, or even function well, but the initial assumption that others do it the same way is soon challenged. When a person from a noisy, boisterous family meets someone from a quiet background; or one from a very demonstrative and affectionate family meets another from a reserved home; miscommunication happens, and someone may even be offended by a remark or a gesture that seems benign to the person delivering it. Every connection, every relationship, is unique, and all the infrastructure has to be built from scratch. When you try a joke and it falls flat, you have to figure out your partner’s sense of humor, and how (or whether) it connects with yours. If your partner is upset, or crying, what you did in your family (joking them out of it, ignoring it, or even listening closely) may not work here. It’s a giant learning process. However, if you understand that you’re building ways and means of communicating successfully, and learning from each other about what works with each of you, the building process becomes less mysterious and more successful. It’s not easy to keep in mind that the other person’s emotional terrain and habits may be very different from yours. If your family painted their toes blue every Christmas, you’re likely to assume all other families do that, too, until you grow up enough to meet the family down the street, and realize they do it differently. Since you don’t normally see other people’s toes in the winter, when feet are covered, it may take a while to get the idea. Emotions and emotional responses are also often hidden, and the only way you can figure out the difference may be that your attempt to connect isn’t working. Of course, there are some people who seem to “get you” right off the bat. That usually means your backgrounds are somewhat similar. Although we grew up in different states (Upstate NY and Michigan) my husband, Richard and I both grew up in the country, and immediately understood sayings like “The Good Lord willin’, an’ the crik don’t rise.” We also grew up in our families’ businesses (His was a chicken farm and mine was a small hotel and restaurant) so we had a similar understanding of what it was like to work in the family business as a young child, and the family working as a team. This created a sense of mutual understanding, and was the beginning of the infrastructure of our now 40-year marriage. We also had myriad arguments and misunderstandings in the early years, as we built and rebuilt our infrastructure. We had to learn to be partners, to create a family, and to negotiate all the decisions life requires. My book, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences is about this infrastructure building process. Every Relationship Needs Infrastructure So, in every significant relationship, remember that there needs to be an infrastructure, and while some of it may be supplied by similar backgrounds (circumstances, religion, ethnicity, country of origin, family size) a lot of it will need to be built from scratch. Your differences can be something you enjoy about each other, and they will also be something you need to learn about to build your relationship infrastructure. Anytime you feel misunderstood, assume it’s an infrastructure problem. Whenever you don’t seem to be able to make a mutual decision, assume it’s an infrastructure problem. If there’s a subject you can’t talk about without fighting, you need to build a bridge on how to connect about that topic peacefully and productively. If you feel awkward with each other in certain situations, you probably need an infrastructure. For example, when you’re going to each other’s families for a visit or a holiday, you may need to explain how your family works to your partner, and be willing to answer your partner’s questions without taking offense. Your partner is not criticizing your family, he or she is merely trying to understand what is incomprehensible from the outside. You can smooth over problems before they happen by helping your partner understand your family’s quirks and differences. “In my family, we usually don’t say “no” so we equivocate instead. When you ask a question, and don’t get a direct answer, it’s probably a “no.” “There’s a lot of teasing in my family, it’s a sign of affection and it can get rough, so don’t get upset.” “My Dad doesn’t talk much. He likes to watch sports and hide in his man cave.” “My Mom doesn’t welcome help in the kitchen.” “My Mom expects us to help clear the table after dinner.” “My family is very informal.” “On the holidays, my family is very religious.” “My family says grace before meals.” “My family thinks praying out loud is inappropriate” Telling your partner these things in advance and discussing them can help build the infrastructure between your relationship, and the extended family. Discussing your different childhoods can help you and your partner understand your different outlooks. It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will give you a framework for discussing all the differences we grow up with. Common Ground When something clicks between you as partners, and a discussion about money, sex, parenting, your future, your work lives, or anything else goes well, remember what you did to bring up that topic and analyze why it succeeded. This is a valuable piece of infrastructure. If a discussion about any of those topics is difficult or leads to an argument, be aware that you need to build or repair that infrastructure, and try a new way to talk about that topic, or a different time to introduce it. You have a broken bridge or a rough road there, and need to repair it. Repairing and building infrastructure is a big project that takes up the first few years of your relationship. If you do it well, and both create working infrastructure and learn how to create good infrastructure together, the later years of your partnership or friendship will run smoothly. Don’t focus on who’s right or wrong, focus on what will fix the problem. Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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