THE LEGACY OF DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS What are the signs of a dysfunctional family (for children and adults)? The hallmark of a dysfunctional relationship or family is drama. A lot of drama, loud or silent, is the result of dysfunction. Dysfunctional families do not perform their appropriate function; that is, they do not emotionally support the participants, foster communication among them, appropriately challenge them, or prepare or fortify them for life in the larger world. Toxic Family Systems are relationships (beginning with childhood families, and carried into adulthood) that are mentally, emotionally or physically harmful to some or all of the participants. Codependent relationships can also be toxic relationships, although the term “toxic” is usually used to mean the more abusive varieties. Dysfunctional families contain unhealthy interaction, and do not effectively enhance the lives of the people involved. The dysfunction can be mild, as in squabbling with or ignoring each other, and leaving minor problems unstated and unfixed. Or, it can be severe, encompassing mental, emotional and physical abuse. People in these relationships are not taking responsibility for making their own lives or the relationship work, although they may not realize it. What long-term and short term impacts can a toxic family this have on a person? Family dysfunction in childhood results in PTSD: post-traumatic stress disorder. That is, the stress and drama of the dysfunctional family system leaves lasting damage, a legacy of pain, as does any trauma. PTSD is marked by pervasive anxiety or fear, panic attacks, nightmares, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, and depression, all of which are the result of the unresolved trauma and grief of the past. This can be mystifying, until you understand that it comes from the past, and a part of your mind is reliving it as though it’s happening now, or might happen again at any moment. Adults can also acquire PTSD from violent or toxic relationships. The pain of PTSD often causes the person to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs, and is behind most addictions. This damage, once realized, can be healed, especially with help from a qualified therapist. PTSD can also compel people to reproduce the toxic family system they came from, recreating the dysfunction in new relationships, and choosing partners who resemble dysfunctional people from the past. What can you do to break free from a dysfunctional family? You need to learn not to give them power over you. There’s no reason why you should be loving and responsible toward people who haven’t been loving and responsible to you. It can be scary to let go of familiar relationships, but it is also the beginning of a new life, one that can become free of pain and fear. Most people have to let go of the dysfunctional family members completely at least for a while, until they become strong enough to resist the pull of the dysfunctional patterns. Start by building your own life by surrounding yourself with people who don’t hurt you, and learn not to be hurtful to yourself. Because of the ingrained nature of dysfunction, it may be necessary to find a therapist who can be beneficially objective and help you sort out the difference. The more you pull away, the more most dysfunctional families will try to pull you back, and raise the level of toxicity, so you need support. Even if your original dysfunctional family is estranged or passed away, you may still need to separate from them emotionally, and stop reliving the drama. How can one heal after being raised in a toxic environment? Healing involves creating a functional, loving, supportive relationship with yourself. You need to become aware of the toxic “tapes” playing in your mind, from years of neglect, abuse and criticism. We have a tendency to treat ourselves the way family treated us, and that’s the influence we have to break. A strong, knowledgeable therapist who’s willing to confront your dysfunctional ideas with kindness and teach you how to function in a healthy way toward yourself can be very helpful. My book, It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction shows you how to change the Dysfunctional Habit Cycle to a new, healthier, more functional one. The Dysfunctional Habit Cycle 1. Early learning: What we learn as young children 2. Rote behavior, not thinking: Acting out of habit, reacting without thinking 3. Negative results: The result of unthinking reaction 4. Negative beliefs: Reinforced by negative results 5. Fear, insecurity: Hopelessness/low self-esteem engendered by negative thinking and results 6. Reinforce old habits: Repetition ingrains the habits and thinking New, Functional Habit Cycle 1. New learning: Opens up possibilities that may come from therapy, books, new people, experience 2. Thoughtful, new behavior: Willfully acting on new learning—hard at first 3. Positive results: Produced by thoughtful choices and responses 4. Positive beliefs: Affirmed by positive results, new learning becomes ingrained 5. Confidence: Repeated success brought on by new behavior and beliefs creates confidence. 6. Reinforce new habits: Repeating the cycle strengthens thoughtful choices and self-confidence If you are suffering from the effects of PTSD acquired in dysfunctional relationships, you’ll be surprised at how much difference it will make in your life to release those old traumas. ©2022 Adapted from: It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. . She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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