THE LITTLE PROFESSOR SYNDROME Everyone laughs when they describe a small child as “four years old, going on forty.” Small children can often seem wise and capable beyond their years. If a child has parents who are absent, incompetent, immature or neglectful to the point that the child’s well-being is neglected, the child often takes charge and tries to keep things together. He or she uses observation, imitation, experimentation and pretending to solve problems and keep things together when the parents are not functioning well. Often this is an oldest child, who also takes responsibility for younger siblings, and becomes a substitute parent for them as well as I or herself. Eric Berne, M. D., the developer of Transactional Analysis theory, called such a child a ldsquo;Little Professor.” Robert Phillips, M.D., describes how this happens in his monograph, “Structural Symbiotic Systems:” “When Tom reaches twenty-four months of age, he has had sufficient healthy parenting so that he is generally willing to relate to others pleasurably and to explore his small world with enthusiasm. On a particular day he toddles into the kitchen where Mother is baking a cake for Father’s birthday. His senses excited by the sight of Mother’s busily relaxed body and by the combined smells of her body and bubbling chocolate, he looks up at Mother and smiles. She smiles in return and, permission granted, he scurries happily to another room to explore, experiencing more stimulation from eye-catching and tactily-differing objects. Soon he returns excitedly to the kitchen, bent perhaps on his first show-and-tell, alive with sensation and awareness. But – what is this! There sits Mother in the corner of the kitchen, hunched over in a tense position and crying, with sharp edges on her sobs. Tom’s world is suddenly disrupted—he whimpers and gets no response from Mother. What has he done or not done to account for this catastrophe, Tom wonders in his small magical mind. Tom does not know and might never know that during his brief absence Mother received a telephone call from Father who angrily criticized her for omitting his habitual salami sandwich from the lunch bag. Bewildered and fearful, Tom waits and waits and finally takes a desperate dare for survival. He awkwardly moves toward Mother, awkwardly extends his arm, and awkwardly pats her shoulder, uttering the magical words “I love you.” And with the suddenness of magic, Sobbing Beauty immediately comes to life again in Tom’s world. Mother catches rapturous Tom up in her arms, wets his face with her redemptive sadness, and pronounces the words which will become the curse of grandiosity, “You’re my wonderful little man! I couldn’t get along without you.“ Tom’s small chest expands with pride, his head swells with self-righteousness, and he is immersed in a lethal mixture of liquids which someday might drown him—environmental tears, in combination with an internal bath of both adrenalin and acetyl-choline.” Little Tom has now taken over the role of comforting and parenting his mother. If this only happens sporadically, he will learn some useful skills, and still have a mother who is capable when he needs her. But, a child with a mother who is habitually helpless, perhaps drunk or incompetent, soon forms a habit of caretaking. Highly intelligent and resourceful children can do well enough at caretaking to get a lot of praise and gratification from their accomplishment. Further problems arise when the Little Professor is smart enough to be successful at the caretaking. For such a child caretaking and “acting as if” he or she knows what to do become strongly ingrained habits. A child with this background often grows up to be a highly competent, but stressed and anxious adult. The anxiety is a result of pretending. No matter how successful and competent the person becomes, no matter what he or she achieves, it never seems real. The Little Professor feels like a child who’s pretending to be a grownup. Until this child in an adult’s body does the work to separate his or her childlike self from the past, bring it into the present, and acknowledge all his or her adult experience and expertise, he or she will feel as if his or her life is not someone else must be running his or her life. Recovering from Little Professor Syndrome is not difficult, once you realize you’re behaving in this way. The key is to recognize your competence as an adult, and to learn to identify the difference between using your adult intelligence and using your childlike ability to “fake” what you’re doing. Guidelines For Using Grownup Thinking 1. Pay attention to signals. Notice when you feel anxious about what you’re doing, especially if you’re having anxiety attacks with rapid heartbeat or shortness of breath. This is a strong indication that you’re in “Little Professor” mode. With practice, you can learn to identify the signals that you’re anxious. 2. Use logic: Ask yourself some logical questions about what you’re doing and feeling: Is there a good reason to be so nervous? What am I afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? How can I make sure I’m OK? Simply asking these questions, or questions about the facts, such as who, what, when, where, and why; will help you think more like a grownup. 3. Move into adult mode: Remind yourself of all your adult experience and competence. Remember you are not a child. 4. Consider your reasoning: Ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. Can you explain it logically? If not, perhaps it’s a reactive, rather than a rational decision. 5. Develop a plan: Make a reasonable plan to accomplish whatever you want to do, break it down into steps, and stick to it. This will reduce the chances of being sidetracked by emotional reactions. When you stay in your adult mode, you’ll find that it’s much easier to distinguish your true responsibilities from those that belong to others. You’ll feel much more competent, and much more in charge of your own life. © 2023 TINA B. TESSINA. Excerpted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; The Real 13th Step; How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; Money, Sex and Kids, and her newest, 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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