Frequently I am asked what the top five relationship problems are, so I thought I’d share them with you along with some ideas of how to overcome them, and some free online articles that can help.

1) Lack of communication:
Communication is literally the soul of a relationship. There are several types of communication; although we usually think of talk and communication as meaning the same thing, it’s not always true. Fighting involves talking, often in the form of yelling, but it is not the same thing as communication. There are also non-verbal forms of communication: For example, when your partner does something nice for you, pitches in to help you finish a chore, or gives you a silent little pat, he or she is communicating that you are loved, valued and cared about, without a single word. Sex is also a form of non-verbal communication, since what is said during sex is usually not communicating much beyond pleasure. A loving sexual connection communicates a mutual desire to make each other feel good, to share on an intimate level, and to create safety for each other. Intimate communication requires some knowledge of each other, or at the very least, the desire to get to know each other.

Lack of communication in a relationship leads to a number of problems: Partners wind up guessing what the other is thinking, leading to exaggeration of problems and more miscommunication. When communication breaks down, sex (which is non-verbal communication) tends to break down, also. Resentment can build, and wind up destroying all the good feelings between you. Many divorces are the result of poor, unsatisfying or nonexistent communication. To communicate better, learn to listen to your partner. One of the biggest stumbling blocks to improving a marriage is the unwillingness to talk. Often, this is because past fighting has discouraged the partners, and made them unwilling to deal with problems. It’s always amazing to me that couples are so much more willing to fight than to work together, but I do realize that working together requires letting yourself be vulnerable, which is difficult when you’re scared.

Most of the couples who come to me have let small problems fester for a very long time before getting help. It’s almost never the small issues that are difficult; it’s the habits that develop over time of fighting, struggling, and not working together. “Getting to Yes” will help you improve your communication.

2) Fighting instead of problem solving:
No matter what you’re fighting about, the fighting is an indication that your communication isn’t working. If this happens only occasionally, such as when one or both of you are tired or stressed; it’s not too big a problem. However, if you argue or bicker on a daily or weekly basis, or you keep fighting about the same thing over and over, then your communication is not functioning as it should, and you don’t know how to move from a problem to the solution. When this happens, problems are recurrent, endless, and they can be exaggerated into relationship disasters.

Guidelines for Not Fighting
1. Don’t participate: Disagreements always require two people. If you don’t participate, your partner can’t argue without you. If the issue arises at an inopportune time, you can just find a temporary resolution (temporarily give in, go home, leave the restaurant) and wait until things calm down to discuss what happened (the squabble may just have been a case of too much alcohol, or being tired and irritable.) Then talk about what you can do instead if it ever happens again.

2. Discuss Recurring Problems: To resolve recurring problems, discuss related decisions with your spouse and find out what each of you does and does not want before making important decisions. You have a lot of options; so don’t let confusion add to the stress.

3. Seek to Understand: Make sure you and your partner understand each other’s point of view before beginning to solve the problem. You should be able to put your mate’s position in your own words, and vice versa. This does not mean that you agree with each other, just that you understand each other.

4. Solve it for the Two of You: Come up with a solution that works for just the two of you, ignoring anyone else’s needs. It’s much easier to solve a problem for the two of you than for others you may not understand. After you are clear with each other, discuss the issues with others who may be involved.

5. Talk to Others: If extended family members or friends might have problems with your decision, talk about what objections they might have, so you can diffuse them beforehand. Discuss possible ways to handle their objections. Squabbles often occur because you’re following automatic habit patterns that lead to a problem before you know it. Using these guidelines will help you overcome negative habit patterns you may have built that lead to arguments or bickering.

3) Money issues:
Most new couples don’t realize that money is a major factor in marital happiness. Money is one of the biggest generators of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples argue about spending, saving, budgeting, and disparity in earnings. When couples have difficulty with money, it can lead to financial infidelity (out-of-control spending, lying and hiding finances) which can destroy the relationship. Overcoming money problems together and working as a team will strengthen the bond between you, and help you create a healthy, lasting partnership.

Money doesn’t have to be a wedge between you and your partner. It can be a great tool for learning more about one another and using money matters as a discussion point can help your relationship grow and thrive. Money can create misery or happiness, depending on how you manage it. Making long-term plans, helping reach goals and improving your quality of life are just some of the things you will be able to accomplish if you work together. “How to Avoid Financial Infidelity” will give you guidelines for solving money problems together.

4) Sexual dissatisfaction:
Many couples complain about being sexually dissatisfied or lose interest as the relationship goes on. Sexual dissatisfaction is the most-often stated reason for infidelity. “Better Intimacy, Better Sex” and “How Sex Can Evolve in a Long Term Relationship” will help you understand what keeps your sexual connection alive, and “After Infidelity: Stay or Go” can help you repair damage already done.

5) Parenting and/or extended family issues:
Communication is the key to successful co-parenting and also dealing with extended family. Being clear in your communication makes everything else easier. When you and your partner misunderstand each other, everything is more complicated. If you have children, the confusion simply gets multiplied. Successful communication, whether it’s just two of you or children are involved, will create a happy, easy atmosphere with minimal struggle:

5 Ways to Improve Couple and Family Communication
1. Slow down: Relax the pace for yourself and your family. You won’t lose anything of importance, and you will all gain a little more precious time to enjoy each other.

2. Reduce expectations: Don’t try to keep up with the neighbors, other families, celebrity lifestyles or other standards. Just do the things that make your family healthy and happy.

3. Resolve to listen more: The three most important words you can say to your spouse and your kids are "Tell me more" when you take the time to listen, you invite more sharing. It works much better than asking for information.

4. Resolve to laugh: Focus on making yourself and your family members laugh or smile every day. Share jokes, cartoons, funny sayings, funny memories, pictures or videos. Laughing together is bonding; good for your physical health, and just plain fun.

5. Include everyone in everything: prepare meals together, solve problems together, make plans together, have fun together. Even small children have ideas that are useful, and everyone can do something to help. This is what creates family feeling. Instead of making rules and giving orders, just invite everyone to join in and do something specific to help.

6) Addiction and self-control issues are usually PTSD related: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can be devastating. Whether it comes from a violent or stressful childhood, the aftermath of rape, attack, severe injury, medical problems or military experience, it creates a situation where your spouse may become irrational, unreliable, or violent, or can be the trigger for drug and other addictions.

If you or your partner has unresolved trauma from a painful past, wounds may still exist which may cause overreacting in your current relationship. Whenever one of you is being emotionally dramatic or overreacting to a normal marriage problem, the following guidelines will help you diffuse the situation and calm things down.

Guidelines: Dealing with PTSD
1. Don’t panic. As painful and overwhelming as this situation may seem, such challenges are common in relationships and can be overcome. Do your best to stay calm and use your clear communication skills to find out as much as you can about the problem. It’s important for both of you to be educated.

2. Be as supportive as you can. If you (or your partner) are upset, do your best to be emotionally positive and encouraging. Reassure each other that you won’t go away or avoid the issue. Even if you have to take a break to calm down, you can still agree to resume your discussion after you calm down.

3. Get outside support. Select friends who can support both of you emotionally when you have a challenge, and don’t hesitate to let them know when you need help. Having someone who cares, and who can listen and support without interfering, will relieve some stress and help you stay calm.

4. If violence is a problem, be sure you’re safe. it won’t help your spouse if you put yourself or your children in a situation where you can be subjected to violence. Take care of yourself first, then get help for your spouse.

If you expect to face challenges, understand most relationships have them, learn to take care of yourself, recognizing that challenges present an opportunity to heal and grow, and know when to get support, you’ll be able to overcome challenges and keep them from damaging your partnership. Successfully overcoming challenges strengthens your bond of confidence and trust in each other and in your partnership.

3 Tips to Make Your Marriage Work
1. Don’t hold a grudge: Talk about what’s bothering you in a rational way. Ask clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it’s important to you. If you can’t find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy your marriage—for the price of one session, before the problem gets too large, you can save it.

2. Show your appreciation: Let your partner know you appreciate what he or she does, personality traits, (i.e.: his sense of humor, her generosity, his practicality, her hard work) and companionship. The more you praise what you like, the more you’ll get of it. We all want to be appreciated. Celebration + appreciation = motivation.

3. Make time for intimacy: Regard your face to face time as sacred (it is—it will bless your marriage.) Take time to listen to each other. Touch as often as possible (put your hand on your spouse’s leg while driving; give him or her a little squeeze now and then, hug and kiss each other.) Create a cuddling space in front of the television, on the porch swing, in your bedroom, and use it.

While these three things aren’t all you need to do to create a working, loving partnership; they’ll set the tone and create an atmosphere where your relationship can thrive. They’re like the water, sun and fertilizer to a plant—the natural necessities of married life.

3 Guidelines for avoiding divorce
1. Calm down.
Couples often feel panicked when something goes wrong in the marriage. Understand that problems are just opportunities to learn and grow, and to find a new and exciting way to do things. You can’t think when you’re upset, so don’t talk when you are. Take a moment to calm down, take a deep breath, and talk rationally about what’s going on. Any problem can be fixed, if you both focus on finding a solution.

2. Avoid drama.
Many people grow up with parents who create a lot of drama—fighting, cold silences, leaving and returning, court battles, child custody problems and financial struggles. Drama of that type is never necessary—it’s a result of adults acting like upset children. Avoid dramatic pronouncements, scenes and ultimatums when problems arise. Instead, learn to sit down as an adult, and talk about what the solution might be; think and act as you do at work when a problem arises—most people can’t throw fits and keep their jobs.

3. Get counseling early.
When my husband and I first married, we made a deal: If we couldn’t solve a problem on our own in three days, we’d go for counseling. In the first few years, we had a few sessions, which were very helpful in teaching us how to be effective with each other. 29 years later, we are happy and haven’t needed counseling in many years. Getting counseling early, before the drama sets in, will help you create a successful marriage together.

As to arguing, I didn’t say “Get your partner to stop.” I said YOU stop. Just stop. Shut up. Calm down. Don’t say anything. Your partner will run out of gas before long, and then, when both of you are calmer, you have a better chance of being productive. I teach couples to take time outs, like this:

How to Take a Time Out
Whenever an argument becomes too heated, and you are aware that you’re saying the same things you’ve said before, things have deteriorated into blaming and defending, or someone is getting very upset, it’s useful to take a time out. This works very much as it does in sports, as in basketball, where everyone can be running full tilt down the court, but someone makes the “T” sign with one hand perpendicular to the other, and the action stops immediately. You can even use the same signal.

To Call Time Out:
1. Make an agreed-upon sign. Some couples use the “T” symbol made with the hands, some choose a “safe word:” a nonsense word that wouldn’t be used often, like “rutabaga” or a word that has significance to both of you, such as “Palm Springs” to recall the time you stopped fighting on vacation, or “overload” to indicate that you think things have gotten too intense. When you’re not fighting, agree on what sign you’ll use during a fight, and honor your agreement. When one of you says the word, or makes the sign, both of you have to stop talking.

2. Walk away: Giving the signal means both of you agree to stop fighting immediately, and walk away. You can just go to separate rooms, one of you can take a walk or a shower, or just go sit and write out your anger. The point is to get out of each other’s sight for an agreed-upon time. Built into your agreement about time outs is a specific break time. Twenty minutes is usually enough time for both parties to calm down, get past the reactionary anger, and begin to think more rationally.

3. Come back together: After your break, come back together and resume the discussion. It usually works well to make the agreement that the person who called time out will open the discussion again. It’s important to come back to the problem, so the time out process doesn’t become a way to win an argument. You may find it necessary to call time out more than once in a heated argument. Don’t hesitate to do it as often as necessary. It’s better to break up the discussion than to deteriorate into fighting. If you take frequent breaks, you’ll change your pattern from arguing to calmly discussing the problem.