WHEN SHOULD YOU SAY “I LOVE YOU” Many clients have asked me when to say “I love you” in a relationship. Often, after they said it too soon. Saying “I love you” implies commitment; that’s why everyone thinks it’s so important. So, you should be reasonably sure you feel committed before you say it. The urge to say it can be a response to a flood of endorphins, meaning infatuation and/or sexual response, which is not necessarily lasting love. Just understand that the person you say it to will probably hear it as at least a potential commitment. You could also choose to say something less definite, like “I’m beginning to have feelings for you.” Or “I really like you.” Or even, “I’m excited about you.” Which lets the other person know you care, but doesn’t yet imply commitment. Going slow in the relationship increases your odds of success. At the point of the first kiss, or even your first sexual connection, you’ll be flooded with endorphins, and that high may give you the urge to say it, but those feelings could easily fade. So, wait until you’re sure. Please don’t say it in a calculating way, to get the other person to have sex with you. That’s dishonest and uncaring. Many studies have shown that men often say I love you first in heterosexual relationships, which is contrary to what most people think. First of all, many men might say it in order to get sex, which is dishonest. Also, in hetero relationships, women tend to hold back, because they don’t want to scare the man off with the specter of commitment too soon. It can sometimes be hard/scary to say “I love you” for the first time, because it implies commitment, and if you’re really not ready, it’s scary. Also, you can’t know the future, and you’re taking an emotional risk. If you’re scared, it’s probably too soon to say it. After you’ve thought about it, and decided you’re ready for commitment, wait for a quiet, close moment, hold hands or touch in some way, look your partner in the eyes, and say “I love you.” Don’t then mess it up with a lot more words. Just be silent, and wait calmly for the response. Hopefully, your beloved will feel the same and let you know. If not, don’t think it’s the end of things; your partner may just need more time to sort out their feelings. After you’re sure, and you’ve both agreed you’re in a committed relationship, the rules change. Then, saying “I love you” is very important, and you can say it frequently. There are many ways to say it: “I love you when you laugh like that.” “Sharing this quiet moment reminds me how much I love you.” “Thank you for being so helpful. I love you.” In fact, the more, the better. Expressing sincere affection, whether through words, touch, little gifts and surprises, love notes, or even eye contact, will smooth out all the interaction between you. I call it the WD-40 of your relationship, because it lubricates all the sticky parts. So, go slow in the beginning, until you’re sure, then open the floodgates of love and express it all over the place. You’ll be glad you did. ©2023 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today Author Bio: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free; 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health, and her newest; Stop Overthinking: A Workbook. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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