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	YOUR RELATIONSHIP: A COURSE IN SPIRITUAL GROWTH SIGNING UP FOR THE COURSE We are all quite practiced in taking courses. When we sign up for an algebra course, for example, we know what we face: ten (or so) weeks of learning new material and homework assignments consisting of more and more complex problems based on the material we have learned. We may grumble about the homework load, or complain about the teacher, but we never think we’ve been given the problems because we are bad people. The problems are a natural facet of the educational process. Life, too, is a classroom with many classes. The signing-up process has become rather subtle and mysterious, so we have a tendency to forget what we are doing. I have found that by keeping in mind I am a student, and problems are for learning, life is much easier, growth is faster, and everything now makes sense. How can you look at relationships as courses in spiritual growth? Begin by reevaluating the purpose of your relationships; use them as a training ground. Assume there will be a lot to learn, and lots of problems to solve which increase in complexity as you gain in knowledge. Never, ever do the problems indicate that you deserve punishment, or that you did something bad. They only show that you have something to learn, and even give you the means to learn it. A problem does not exist without a valuable lesson attached. Just as in school, if you do not understand the lesson and solve the problem, you will keep getting it back in altered forms, until you do understand. This is NOT to give you a hard time, but to teach you something you must know to live a fuller, more loving life. DOING YOUR HOMEWORK So, when problems arise in your relationship, stop a moment and think before you react with outrage and hurt. Say to yourself, “What was I given this problem for? What can I learn from this? What do I need to know to solve it?” View the problem as a homework assignment, and figure out what it has been designed to teach you. For example, perhaps your partner is not giving you enough attention. Perhaps this situation has happened before, with this partner and with others. You merely want a kind word, a loving touch; it doesn’t seem too much to ask. Yet this partners, and previous partners, too, seem to find it impossible. What could you possibly learn from this problem? Perhaps you need to learn more about networking; having a circle of friends you can rely on so that your primary relationship is not under the strain and stress of having to meet ALL your needs. When your partner is preoccupied with work problems, illness, or other absorbing facets of life, you can still have many sources of affection and attention. Often this problem arises because you need to learn the great satisfaction of being able to give attention to YOURSELF. When you are unable to love yourself satisfactorily, other people feel a sense of despair about loving you. It’s as though you feel like a bottomless put into which they can pour all their love, and you still will not be filled. Therefore, they often give up trying. Learning the lesson of self-love eliminates the problem. People suddenly feel successful in loving you—and everyone loves to do whatever he/she does well. Or maybe you need to learn the art of appreciation, noticing the attention you are given, however slight it may seem. That which is appreciated grows and grows. Again people quickly tire of giving which goes unnoticed. A little appreciation of what is done gets a lot more response than a lot of complaining about what is not. These are only a few examples of the growth and knowledge to be gained from problem-solving this one issue. As many possible lessons exist as there are different people. The more carefully and conscientiously you approach your homework, the more you will benefit in increased love and joy. THE BASIC LESSON The most important step you can take toward making your relationship a course in spiritual growth is to remember that everyone you are in contact with is a friend, here to help you in your major task of learning. Each of these friends also has lessons to learn, with your help. It’s a mutual/helping/learning/growing group. This is the basic lesson we need to learn, and also the hardest. So, if one of your friends needs to take on the role of the enemy so you can learn something, that’s a tough thing to do, and deserves your thanks. Now I realize that’s a lot to ask: some of those enemies get pretty scary. Especially when the people you love the most seem to be against you. All I can say is test it out for yourself. Try saying to your partner, in the middle of a problem “I don’t know what this is all about, but I know we are friends, and we both have something to learn from this, and I’d like to find out what it is,” and see if the atmosphere changes. My guess is, it will. In my experience, the hostility and fright have melted away magically at that statement like the Wicked Witch of the West did when Dorothy threw the water. HELP IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE Just as in any course with a good teacher, you can always get help when the going gets rough. Reassurance is always the antidote to fear, and often conquers anger as well. In the article, “Angels are Fun” in Magical Blend, issue #2; Linda Clark says that we all have angels waiting to help us solve the problems. All we need to do is ask them. Use your angels for help and reassurance in the middle of a struggle. Ask for help in 1) remembering that this person who is fighting you is really a friend and 2) letting him/her know you are a friend, too. Instead of Angels, you can also use guides, gurus, religious figures, whatever beings on another plane you usually use for help. Just ask and you’ll find help is always there. SETTING YOUR INTENTIONS Starting now, before any trouble happens, by dedicating yourself and your relationship to the highest good, and to spiritual growth. Design a little ceremony: a quiet talk with your guides/angels; a meditation session done while holding hands with your partner; a party with friends who will be willing to support your goals. Any or all of these methods work as a dedication/intention-setting process. My husband and I have discovered the power of having a special affirmation of the intent of our relationship. You may want to develop one, too. Here is ours (which we used as a wedding vow) as an example: In good health, To the mutual benefit of all; Manifesting the creative energy; For happiness in the here and now, And accomplishment in the proper time and place. In easy, natural, healthy and balanced ways. Abundance and joy, peace and love. (Originated by Louis Anthony Russo, the List Process) We repeat this aloud frequently—often before we go to sleep—and whenever we are having trouble remembering who we really are to each other. The process is very grounding. It brings us back to the reality of our love and mutual good intent instantly. Any positive statement from your reading and studies of from your personal experience will do, especially if it clearly states the intent of your lives together. When, in the middle of a struggle, Richard says, “in good health...” and I respond with “to the mutual benefit of all,” suddenly I remember the friendship and love we have. The problem then gets easier to solve. HEALING HURTS Healing hurts is another art that can be learned well in the spiritually-oriented relationship. Human beings are imperfect and clumsy; we often stumble and hurt each other. The closer we get, the more likely we are to bruise each other emotionally. There is really no guarantee that you won’t be hurt in an intimate relationship. However, there is a way to guarantee that you won’t stay hurt. All hurts can be healed. You can heal yourselves individually or together, and in the process of healing, you can learn. Whenever you feel hurt; stay with your feeling. Track your pain, discover its source, and get as clear as you can about it. Were you really hurt because your partner got too friendly at a party, or is it really because communication has not been good for the past week, and the party was an easy target for your blame? Find out if your hurt comes from where you first thought, or if it’s possibly an old hurt from another relationship or from childhood. When you have some clarity about what is hurting you, share it gently with your partner (not yelling at the top of your lungs and no accusations -- just a statement of your experience.) For example: “I’ve been contemplating my feelings, and I find that the way you tell me of things you don’t like reminds of my father (mother, old lover, etc.) I was terribly afraid of him, and now I feel afraid of you by association. Will you help me deal with that?” If you get agreement, then quite often a simple talk can point out the differences between then and now. (Your father was an alcoholic, and your partner isn’t, you were a helpless child then, and now you’re an adult.) Sometimes clarity about what’s really happening as opposed to what you’re afraid is happening is the healing quality. After sharing and talking figure out a way to protect yourself next time. (“Next time you want to tell me of things you don’t like, let’s make a special appointment, so I can be prepared.” You’ll find that as soon as you know how to protect yourself, all the hurt and anger fade quickly. A GUIDE FOR YOUR JOURNEY Remember, most spiritual journeys benefit from a guide. Spiritual intimacy is a fine art for which we are largely untrained. Most of the role models and guidelines in our society are highly toxic and negative. If any of the processors in the article create more problems for you, or if they seem impossible, get yourself a guide—there are many wonderful guides and counselors around to help you. My husband and I have counseling session with another therapist occasionally, even though we’re doing well. We find it helps us to see problems before they become large or anything that feels difficult or unsolvable. Mastery of any art, inducing intimacy, usually benefits from a good teacher. Your course in spiritual intimacy will involve a lifetime study. Have fun with it. Love and joy are the goals; reaching them together, because you’ve done your work well, is a graduation magna cum laude. Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” and offers courses at GenerousMarriage.com. Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina
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